Friday, July 2, 2010

Rough

Just wanting to blog about what's "rough" in my life makes me cringe. It makes me feel ungrateful, whiney and selfish. I have food, shelter, family and am enjoying relatively good health...so what on earth could make me count down the hours until bedtime right after I crawl out of bed in the morning? What could be THAT bad in my life..that I just want to cry? Honestly...kind of pathetic..
It could be...
1. Depression runs deep in my family..so I am always fighting that generational stronghold
2. I started sharing in more detail my past on a yahoo group and again that is an invitation for the enemy to try to attack.
3. We are financially going through a really hard time. I feel like we have let so many of our employees and their families down.
4. My man has been more absent than I have gotten used to..absent physically and emotionally due to the movie, our company and starting another venture.
5. The last 6 months with my teenage son...(many of you know the struggles we have watched him go through and the pure pain we have felt watching him hurt)
6. My health issues I had this past year and still not knowing exactly what is up.
7. Trying to raise 6 beautiful children
8. Dealing with the twins issues...sometimes I feel defeated the moment I wake up and hear the first screams.
9. Our "vacation" kind of sucked...like it was STRESSFUL! I won't go into details...and it was not one particular thing...
10. I have been drinking more than I should and I know better given my past.
11. I have had really bad insomnia for 15 years...I have tried everything from natural remedies to ambien... nothing helped...Then it got a better for a few months..but the last month or so has been brutal...I probably average 4 hrs a night, which isn't bad...but it is not 4 consecutive hours.

So..there you have it! ALL MY EXCUSES! And that is what they are...excuses or finding a blame to conceal the real reason for my "rough" times!

It all comes down to my walk with God....My spiritual alignment! I know this. I believe this. I have faced way harder times than the 11 I just shared and I have faced them with peace and even JOY.

So, what's different this time? I think it's pride. My heart is so full of pride. I'm prideful.

Psalm 10:4-7

4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;

in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

5 His ways are always prosperous;

he is haughty and your laws are far from him;

he sneers at all his enemies.

6 He says to himself, “Nothing will shake me;

I’ll always be happy and never have trouble.”


I haven't been seeking HIM really....Just on the surface I look for HIM...Somewhere, I chose to forsake HIM. I think I got angry at God (as silly as that is) when Jace spent hours a day crying out HIS name in agony and I didn't understand why HE was putting my son through everything. I think I can get so caught up in praising GOD for the life He saved me from so long ago...I can talk easily about HIS grace in my life from years ago and the sins he delivered me from. To be honest...I was as sinful as you can get (and still am)..my point, I focused on what HE did and not what HE is doing and continues to do in my heart! As Christians we tend to share openly what sin GOD has helped us with from our past, but we tend to not talk honestly about where our sinful heart is today. I don't read many blogs where someone admits they are addicted to pornography, to gossiping, to lust, and envy...yet, most of us struggle with something ugly and we will till the day we die. We need to be honest with eachother, our families our pastors and most importantly our GOD. Now do I think everyone should air out their dirty laundry on their blogs? NO. That is not what I'm saying at all...I probably shouldn't be airing out mine here either...but I am...that's just who I am.

Here I am in my glass house...sharing my struggles and asking you to pray for my prideful heart and to truly desire to seek HIM every moment and in every situation.

Please be gentle with my heart when you leave a comment....

15 comments:

Incognito said...

WOW!!! I don't know what to say! Sorry about the vacation part...sorry that you are going through this. Praying for you!

jena said...

Keep seeking. Keep sharing. He is with you. He loves you, your family and He always will.

Wife to the Rockstar said...

well... I feel like I just read my own list of struggles....

Jenny said...

I'm sorry. We are only human and it is legitimately hard to live this life even though we are so blessed. I, too, feel guilty anytime I don't feel joyful, but I don't think it's real to not struggle. I have had on and off insomnia also; I think it contributes to other health problens too, isn't there any meds that help? You need to sleep to combate the rest of your day! (Ambian is a God send for me!)


Praying for you, friend! Jenny

Dani said...

Praying for you...

Really, I am:)

Danielle

Sean and Lisa said...

Life is hard and yes we all have our ugliness. So thankful we have a Savior because I need saving...daily! Glass houses rock except for all the dirty fingerprints and the rocks people throw.
Praying for you friend! Thank you for being real and vulnerable. Thank you for allowing us to come alongside of you in prayer.
Much love!
Lisa

Anonymous said...

Your honesty is humbling. I don't know you but I would be blessed to know you.

Paula said...

Steffany, you are such a wonderful person. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I've been through depression, and twins, and a son with some serious problems. And oh yeah, major insomnia. And the stressful vacations. It is all hard and my heart hurts for you. But I can't think of too many people who are so mindful of their need for God's grace, and I think that is a beautiful thing that is going to pull you through. Hugs. Call me, email me whatever if you need a sympathetic ear.

Jaime And Drew said...

Spill it sister! Let it out! Keeping it in allows you to struggle in secret causing your mind to chew on it until its liquid running through you. I know the struggles of depression I wanted my mom STRUGGLE for years with depression and anxiety its ugly and nothing we should have to deal with alone. You are correct we all keep our blogs "pretty" showing our passions and desire but hiding what keeps up at night. I am praying for you! Love you warrior sister, Jaime

Layla Payton said...

Thank you for your transparency. God honors a heart that spills out before Him. There is nothing too ugly, too difficult, or too "real" for Him to handle. I struggle with health issues as well. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that you feel defeated before your feet hit the floor in the morning. I wrestle with sleep issues(though not as much as you). You are not alone. Don't stop crying out to the Father, He will meet you RIGHT where you are. You don't have to be perfect, or perform the right tasks for Him to listen. He takes us all just as we are. I have also struggled with depression. A book called, "Faith in the Night Seasons" (By Chuck and Nancy Missler), was a HUGE encouragement to me. Above all, keep your eyes on Jesus, pray, and soak up the Word. He is faithful. (((HUGS)))

Layla Payton said...

Thank you for your transparency. God honors a heart that spills out before Him. There is nothing too ugly, too difficult, or too "real" for Him to handle. I struggle with health issues as well. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that you feel defeated before your feet hit the floor in the morning. I wrestle with sleep issues(though not as much as you). You are not alone. Don't stop crying out to the Father, He will meet you RIGHT where you are. You don't have to be perfect, or perform the right tasks for Him to listen. He takes us all just as we are. I have also struggled with depression. A book called, "Faith in the Night Seasons" (By Chuck and Nancy Missler), was a HUGE encouragement to me. Above all, keep your eyes on Jesus, pray, and soak up the Word. He is faithful. (((HUGS)))

Layla Payton said...

Thank you for your transparency. God honors a heart that spills out before Him. There is nothing too ugly, too difficult, or too "real" for Him to handle. I struggle with health issues as well. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that you feel defeated before your feet hit the floor in the morning. I wrestle with sleep issues(though not as much as you). You are not alone. Don't stop crying out to the Father, He will meet you RIGHT where you are. You don't have to be perfect, or perform the right tasks for Him to listen. He takes us all just as we are. I have also struggled with depression. A book called, "Faith in the Night Seasons" (By Chuck and Nancy Missler), was a HUGE encouragement to me. Above all, keep your eyes on Jesus, pray, and soak up the Word. He is faithful. (((HUGS)))

Layla Payton said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Engelhardt 4 said...

Oh sweet friend,
Please know that I am praying for you. You are a bright shining star and God is going to do something big with your family and in your life. He is going to continue that beautiful story you've been sharing with us.

Love you!!

Beautiful Mess said...

I have been gone for almost two weeks so reading back through everything and trying to catch up with those I love brought me to this.

Life is rough! We NEVER have to go it alone. One our Lord is with us! and two He gave us other believers to help us bear our burdens and encourage us.

Lifting you up in prayer!

God bless! Jen