Rough

Just wanting to blog about what's "rough" in my life makes me cringe. It makes me feel ungrateful, whiney and selfish. I have food, shelter, family and am enjoying relatively good health...so what on earth could make me count down the hours until bedtime right after I crawl out of bed in the morning? What could be THAT bad in my life..that I just want to cry? Honestly...kind of pathetic..
It could be...
1. Depression runs deep in my family..so I am always fighting that generational stronghold
2. I started sharing in more detail my past on a yahoo group and again that is an invitation for the enemy to try to attack.
3. We are financially going through a really hard time. I feel like we have let so many of our employees and their families down.
4. My man has been more absent than I have gotten used to..absent physically and emotionally due to the movie, our company and starting another venture.
5. The last 6 months with my teenage son...(many of you know the struggles we have watched him go through and the pure pain we have felt watching him hurt)
6. My health issues I had this past year and still not knowing exactly what is up.
7. Trying to raise 6 beautiful children
8. Dealing with the twins issues...sometimes I feel defeated the moment I wake up and hear the first screams.
9. Our "vacation" kind of sucked...like it was STRESSFUL! I won't go into details...and it was not one particular thing...
10. I have been drinking more than I should and I know better given my past.
11. I have had really bad insomnia for 15 years...I have tried everything from natural remedies to ambien... nothing helped...Then it got a better for a few months..but the last month or so has been brutal...I probably average 4 hrs a night, which isn't bad...but it is not 4 consecutive hours.

So..there you have it! ALL MY EXCUSES! And that is what they are...excuses or finding a blame to conceal the real reason for my "rough" times!

It all comes down to my walk with God....My spiritual alignment! I know this. I believe this. I have faced way harder times than the 11 I just shared and I have faced them with peace and even JOY.

So, what's different this time? I think it's pride. My heart is so full of pride. I'm prideful.

Psalm 10:4-7

4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;

in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

5 His ways are always prosperous;

he is haughty and your laws are far from him;

he sneers at all his enemies.

6 He says to himself, “Nothing will shake me;

I’ll always be happy and never have trouble.”

I haven't been seeking HIM really....Just on the surface I look for HIM...Somewhere, I chose to forsake HIM. I think I got angry at God (as silly as that is) when Jace spent hours a day crying out HIS name in agony and I didn't understand why HE was putting my son through everything. I think I can get so caught up in praising GOD for the life He saved me from so long ago...I can talk easily about HIS grace in my life from years ago and the sins he delivered me from. To be honest...I was as sinful as you can get (and still am)..my point, I focused on what HE did and not what HE is doing and continues to do in my heart! As Christians we tend to share openly what sin GOD has helped us with from our past, but we tend to not talk honestly about where our sinful heart is today. I don't read many blogs where someone admits they are addicted to pornography, to gossiping, to lust, and envy...yet, most of us struggle with something ugly and we will till the day we die. We need to be honest with eachother, our families our pastors and most importantly our GOD. Now do I think everyone should air out their dirty laundry on their blogs? NO. That is not what I'm saying at all...I probably shouldn't be airing out mine here either...but I am...that's just who I am.

Here I am in my glass house...sharing my struggles and asking you to pray for my prideful heart and to truly desire to seek HIM every moment and in every situation.

Please be gentle with my heart when you leave a comment....