Rough

Just wanting to blog about what's "rough" in my life makes me cringe. It makes me feel ungrateful, whiney and selfish. I have food, shelter, family and am enjoying relatively good health...so what on earth could make me count down the hours until bedtime right after I crawl out of bed in the morning? What could be THAT bad in my life..that I just want to cry? Honestly...kind of pathetic..
It could be...
1. Depression runs deep in my family..so I am always fighting that generational stronghold
2. I started sharing in more detail my past on a yahoo group and again that is an invitation for the enemy to try to attack.
3. We are financially going through a really hard time. I feel like we have let so many of our employees and their families down.
4. My man has been more absent than I have gotten used to..absent physically and emotionally due to the movie, our company and starting another venture.
5. The last 6 months with my teenage son...(many of you know the struggles we have watched him go through and the pure pain we have felt watching him hurt)
6. My health issues I had this past year and still not knowing exactly what is up.
7. Trying to raise 6 beautiful children
8. Dealing with the twins issues...sometimes I feel defeated the moment I wake up and hear the first screams.
9. Our "vacation" kind of sucked...like it was STRESSFUL! I won't go into details...and it was not one particular thing...
10. I have been drinking more than I should and I know better given my past.
11. I have had really bad insomnia for 15 years...I have tried everything from natural remedies to ambien... nothing helped...Then it got a better for a few months..but the last month or so has been brutal...I probably average 4 hrs a night, which isn't bad...but it is not 4 consecutive hours.

So..there you have it! ALL MY EXCUSES! And that is what they are...excuses or finding a blame to conceal the real reason for my "rough" times!

It all comes down to my walk with God....My spiritual alignment! I know this. I believe this. I have faced way harder times than the 11 I just shared and I have faced them with peace and even JOY.

So, what's different this time? I think it's pride. My heart is so full of pride. I'm prideful.

Psalm 10:4-7

4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;

in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

5 His ways are always prosperous;

he is haughty and your laws are far from him;

he sneers at all his enemies.

6 He says to himself, “Nothing will shake me;

I’ll always be happy and never have trouble.”

I haven't been seeking HIM really....Just on the surface I look for HIM...Somewhere, I chose to forsake HIM. I think I got angry at God (as silly as that is) when Jace spent hours a day crying out HIS name in agony and I didn't understand why HE was putting my son through everything. I think I can get so caught up in praising GOD for the life He saved me from so long ago...I can talk easily about HIS grace in my life from years ago and the sins he delivered me from. To be honest...I was as sinful as you can get (and still am)..my point, I focused on what HE did and not what HE is doing and continues to do in my heart! As Christians we tend to share openly what sin GOD has helped us with from our past, but we tend to not talk honestly about where our sinful heart is today. I don't read many blogs where someone admits they are addicted to pornography, to gossiping, to lust, and envy...yet, most of us struggle with something ugly and we will till the day we die. We need to be honest with eachother, our families our pastors and most importantly our GOD. Now do I think everyone should air out their dirty laundry on their blogs? NO. That is not what I'm saying at all...I probably shouldn't be airing out mine here either...but I am...that's just who I am.

Here I am in my glass house...sharing my struggles and asking you to pray for my prideful heart and to truly desire to seek HIM every moment and in every situation.

Please be gentle with my heart when you leave a comment....

Wanted to Share...

I wanted to share a comment I got from anonymous today.....

It really spoke to me..I know it's kind of weird to have an anonymous person leave comments on your blog sometimes...but, this is a public blog and I welcome all anons:)

Here is what it said---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I read you because . . .

I'm not always going to agree with you. Sometimes I get angry at a decision you've made. Sometimes I'm going to laugh with you. I might cry. I'm going to relate, though, on some level. I'm going to share/relate/understand the frustration of being a mother and the great satisfaction and depth of love of being a mother. I'm going to relate to the message of God's love speaking through you. I'm going to listen harder for His voice in my life.

You are fearless . . . and so full of fear at the same time. It's beautiful to . . . watch? . . . no, because I'm not just watching. I'm drawn in.

I read you because I'm going to feel. Thank you for writing.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At first I started picking it apart..I was like-What decisions that I make get you angry?......
Then I just let it ago and absorbed the meaning behind it...and it was lovely. It's true...you won't always agree with me or understand me..and that's okay. I don't always agree with my husband and best friends either...and that's what's beautiful and I thought anon's comment was beautiful...So..whoever you are, thank you for sharing and thank you for reading...and how right you are about the fearless...but so full of fear...how true!

What's That Expression...

I think it goes something like....GO THE EXTRA MILE.

Well... three toddlers, one teenager, one asthmatic and myself not only went an extra mile...but 4-6 extra miles...on foot, in flip flops, jeans, 2 rickety strollers, a bottle or two of water....and no earthly idea where we would end up. It was an adventure and we all loved almost every moment...well except for Xia...(although I do think she did experience some enjoyment:) Just not when I made her walk.

All in all we walked anywhere from 6-9 miles...and we are all totally sore and tired...but you know what? The fightmeter in our house has stayed at about a zero! Maybe we will do this everyday!

This is for all Anonymous People...

But specifically this is for you....you know who you are! You may not have been the one to leave a comment...but I am still talking to you!



Wow..

Thank you. My smile is huge and my heart feels fuzzy...

yet...I also hurt for you...I know that feeling..the yearning..the wanting to do something, but not knowing what..
The thing is..that yearning is a gift..A gift that God has given YOU..It means HE BELIEVES IN YOU!
But..the more you shove it down...the quieter and less intense the yearning becomes...until..it just goes away. You just stop believing in yourself or better yet..you stop believing HE can use you..
Do not be afraid! Take courage in knowing...HE is CALLING you!
How awesome.
I would love to help you anyway I can..as you mount up, stand up and say, "Pick me Lord..I am ready".
All my love

Sweet Words Spoken

We all live our lives..even if we don't admit it...We want others to speak fondly of us...To speak words of encouragement. We desire acknowledgment...love...praise.
Tonight I had sweet words spoken to me. I cried. I released. I know this is my 3rd post today....
I just wanted to share...the words that made my insides melt...

Tonight I posted about a little girl named Kushum....

I can't explain why I felt the connection to her story anymore than I can to the story of Worinesh...
But I did... I have no money to give..so I blogged about her. I offered all headbands bought through BEMM would go towards her for the next 2 days...
Then...I sat.. I waited...Then I do what I do...I wrote some more...this time on a group I belong to...
Warrior Girls...

and this is what I wrote

Sometimes I love being naive. I love not knowing the facts or at least ignoring
them. I love seeing the best in people. I love believing the world is rainbows
and everyone cares. I love thinking what I say or does makes a difference.

The truth is...reality is what it is. People are cold. Hearts are hardened...as
much as I truly care for others...so many don't.

And that is the truth....

The hard part is day after day throwing your heart into everything around
you...You know from experience, at the end of the day...your heart will be
broken many times. You may even question why...Yet..tomorrow..as a warrior
girl..you will do it all over again.

I will choose to believe in the good that is inside of people. I will continue
to reach out.

And sometimes....

I will get tired. I will get angry...My heart will hurt. I will want to give
up....Like today
and the day before that
and last month
etc..


But then....I read a story of a young girl...I will rally myself one more time.
I will blog about her. I will pray for her. I will be naive once
again...believing that people will be touched..that someone will want to help.

Then I wait...Disappointed that 2 hrs have passed since I cut out my heart and
served it blog style...and not one single person has moved on behalf of a young
girl...

It is here..that I can see God clearly...I can rest easy knowing I was obedient
to HIS call and the rest is up to HIM...He will touch those who He wants to
move. The outcome IS NOT UP TO ME! I can let go...AND LET HIM WORK..

And tomorrow is a new day...I get to embrace being naive all over again...seeing
the beauty in people and praying for a day of rainbows!

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO KUSHUM (inspired by Lindsey Andrews)


Again...I waited...I hoped. I prayed...A friend I have bought a headband...They are in the same $ place we are...but she did it! Then I had another friend come up with $33....

Then to top it off...
a fellow warrior girl..the one who touched me with Kushum's story said this:

" Steffany, you are a light by which beauty of spirit and joy should be judged.
Your beauty and strength are evident in everything you are passionate about and
I am excited that you are in my life"

And my heart soared....I know I live for my God....But these sweet words..made me ready to tackle another day....

So...after 15 years of insomnia this woman who is me and stays awake night after night hoping she made some small dent will sleep...

.and tonight, I will lay my head down. I will take a deep breath. I will be thankful for EVERYTHING..good-bad....all of it...and I will sleep soundly. The chains of my 15 year insomnia will be broken....Tonight I rest. Goodnight.

Love to you all....

It's Time For Opinion Time...

I can't believe it's already been a week since my last opinion time poll and I blogged 12 times in a week! um...new record for me:) I had 42 votes on my poll about whether I should let people pick out their headbands


The results are in:

Letting people pick their own headband won by 5 votes....But making people pay an extra 2 dollars to pick them out beat the plain ol' yes by a landslide.

If I just went off grab bag vs. show a pic...then grab bag won.

I was proud of the people that voted "yes..but pay an extra 2.00"...You rock!

Because really...whether you pay $8.00 or $10. + 2.00 shipping...the point is....
hopefully..you are doing it for fun and to support a great cause!

With that said...I LOVE WEARING HEADBANDS...and I would love to see what I'm getting..I also love supporting causes...so I am 50/50 too.

I think what I'm going to do is offer both.I will post pics of the headbands I have a lot of.and if you want them..great..choose which one and the cost will be $10.00 + shipping...If you choose grab-bag then you will have a 50/50 chance with one you have seen...or God forbid...A TACKY GRANDMA ONE..duhduhda(Scary star wars music here)

I can tell you my supply is low! I need to find MORE people willing to sew the headbands for me...Please let me know if you are interested...I will send you a pattern and material.

_______________________________________________________________________________

So on to my next poll....

Totally non-headband related....

Again..Your opinion does matter. All votes you leave are completely anonymous.

I love this stuff...

Question is...

Why do you read my blog?

Since my blog seems to change like the wind and lacks a common theme...ie..
It's not just an
adoption blog
a mom blog
a fundraising blog


I really do lack a theme:)

WHY DO YOU READ WHAT I WRITE?
I know some of you are new.. and you are just figuring out what I am about...Why do you come here?
I recently added the followers gadget...I was against it for so long...
But...so many others....You have read since the beginning...I have met many of you and consider you my best of friends...this question is for you too...

Answer to the right...

Have You Met..

Kushum ?

Kushum has a quiet confidence that does not come from what others think of her or how others react to her. She is perfectly content to stand back and watch things unfold rather than be in the middle of the action. Kushum is a strong student in school and is learning English well for her age. Her stunning beauty, quiet nature, and ability to stop people in their tracks with a single glance from the "stink eye" are all defining qualities of Kushumlatha.

Now stop.
Really look.
Look at her..
Re-read the few sentences that describe Kushum.
No...really
look at how her head is slightly cocked
at her delicate fingers touching her face.
Take a moment and see her....
Her eyes filled with hope and a little mischief
Her half smile
shows me she may be a little sassy at times.

She is someone's daughter.
She is loved by someone.
You can almost see the dreams she has just by looking at her...
maybe a doctor
a teacher
an architect...

The reality is....without YOUR help...
without the money needed for school....
This little girl...
Kushum...
with her eyes filled with hope..
could end up having to give up
her dreams
her childhood
her body
to eat.
to live.

Only $133 is needed to cover her schooling.

Normally I would write a check myself...
I love stories like hers...
I love making a difference..
however small.
I would give up my coffee to support her...
I would give up my date night...
But today...
my own card was declined just to get gas in my car..
we had to tell our employees, many who are our friends that their paycheck wouldn't be coming this week.
This is a hard month for the Bosters!
Thank God I know how to live cheap:)
My point...
I want to help.
I see Kushum..
Do you?

We can always do something...
I know I can't give right now...
but I can tell you about her
AND
BECAUSE EVERY MOTHER MATTERS
wants to help too!
Kushum is not a momma
but she has one!
So for the rest of today..

ALL HEADBANDS SOLD TODAY AND TOMORROW
%100
of the sales will go to support KUSHUM!

more info on Kushum can be found here...

I'm Not Stupid

Really I'm not.
I know the chances of me...being who I am..not wealthy, very little education, and struggling to care for my 6 kids and husband with huge dreams...the chances of me..alone..raising the 25k needed for a clinic in Ethiopia are small.
I do however have a lot of faith
...and
I know ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
As of today..I believe about 10k has been raised.
Most of it coming from my $10 friday drive, tacky headbands, and a small church in Tampa.
My goal with BEMM has always been and hopefully will continue to be...
ONE PERSON MAKING THE DIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF ANOTHER...
I believe this will all my heart.
I believe I can
and
I believe YOU can make a difference.

But...I'm not stupid!

I know that the ones who truly can make a difference...don't know it yet.
They are either waiting for someone else to do it...thus proving they are not needed.
OR
Want to do something
yet
feel completely inadequate and are simply scared...kind of like the last kid picked in PE
they want to play
they feel that....pick me..pick me..in their heart
but are too scared to raise their hands.

Tell you the truth...
I was both
and
continue to struggle with believing God picked the right person....
I'm like..really? really God? Me?
I have no idea what I am doing. My husband has like 4 jobs..I have 6 kids. I have chronic health issues...we have are hands full with our family...We are broke right now...the list goes on....


But....I'm not stupid...
I know when enough is enough!
1 in 11 women dying to pregnancy related causes in E. Africa..is NOT okay.
I know that on average a woman in Ethiopia has 6.2 children.
You do the math....Help the mommas=help the children....which means less orphans.
147 million is already unfathomable....

So..
if it takes an uneducated, stressed out momma of 6 to cut back on her already small budget and time constraints to STAND-UP and say...ENOUGH
Then fine....
Tag me..
I'll do it.
I would rather not do it alone
....because I am not stupid......
and I know I need you!

I sent out a message on my BEMM fanpage for ideas to help....
7 people give great ideas...
Just nobody
jumped up and down
saying...
pick me.
And
I know
I'm
not the only
non-stupid
one:)

I Really Want to...

live a simple..yet completely intentional life...
I love reading blogs by mommas who do this..
They have a bazillion kids.
Grow their own own food.
Sew their own clothes..
Homeschool
all their toys fit in one small trunk
raise livestock
Cook everything from scratch

and
still help the widows and orphans..

As I spend a few moments on their blogs day-dreaming how I would LOVE their life...
Simple
Clean
purposeful.
I mention to my kids how wonderful that would be
and
often I am told this..
"Are you kidding me mom...do you know the amount of work involved..you can live out that fantasy after I go to college"

Nice!

Until then...
It does look quite lovely in my head.
and then again...
so does a lot of things...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My World....

with Xia...

It is no secret that I struggled from the beginning with attaching to Xia.
I have cried more tears..
over her, with her and for her.
I have regretted more than I know what to do with
for the words spoken, the things I have thought and my reactions to her.
I have found myself second guessing EVERYTHING over the last few years.
I feel I have failed her more than any of my other children.
I have failed to understand...
I have failed to give her what I know she desires.
I have failed her as a mother.
I lack patience
understanding
and sometimes even lack in my love for her.
From the moment I met her...
I knew she was strong!
too strong for a child of 2.
She was hurt..
too hurt for a child of 2.
She was manipulative
and brilliant at it...
YET
SHE
WAS
JUST
TWO

and she should not have to be that strong
or
that hurt
or
know the power of manipulation
at age 2.
Even then, when I first met her..only 10 pounds and fighting for her life as she held me close..yet..
she also screamed when I would look at her.
Thus has been our relationship.
I need you
I hate you

I love you
yet..
I am going to test that love everyday...
in ways you never imagined.
I never really questioned my mothering skills until I adopted.
Needless to say...
Xia and I have come along way
and we have far to go...
I forget that sometimes.
I expect my relationship with her to move along at the same pace as my other kids...
the truth is...
Our relationship can never be the same I have with my other daughters!
I know some may disagree...
but
I would be naive to think it could be.
Our relationship has the ability to be AMAZING....
But.
I will never fill the role of the momma of her dreams...
and..
I will never be all I need to be for my other kids as well.
Welcome to motherhood!
I can promise...
I will do my best.
I will always try to be more..
give more
and do more for
ALL of my kids.
Xia
my sweet...
I love you.
In 20 years when you look back...
you may net remember today with fondness,
but I pray all the little moments we have
create a masterpiece.
A masterpiece at first glance may seem jumbled,
but when you step back
YOU CAN SEE SOMETHING AMAZING!
My love for you.

Slumber Party in mom's room

When my man is gone I have all the kids bunk with me. It's great fun...emphasis on fun..not sleep:)
Just watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time. I loved it. I loved her spirit. A girl not afraid to be a little weird....sounds familiar:) Anyway..totally random post. Oh yeah..Please remember to keep praying for Amy Smith. In just a few short hours is the embassy appointment.
Okay..goodnight.

Calling All Pariotic lovers of Tacky for Good!

Really?
Not one single person has bought a patriotic headband.
Sure...
They maybe on the slightly tacky side.
Or
Not your style.
But..
these women
3 generations of women hand stitched every single one of them...
for a mom in Africa they never met!
AND
that is worth $10.

I personally bought one for each member of my family to wear on July 4th.
Yes..
we may risk getting shot:)
but..
it's worth it!
We are so cool that we can make the tacky look hot!
6 left!
Today only...
After that they get transferred to the grab-bag!
Dare to be tacky for your country.
Order your's today!

When ordering on the side*please put July 4th in directions to seller*

Those Who Are Seeking

I feel kind of bad...
I told you all to look up "warrior girl" on Yahoo and join...
Had no idea you would be directed to a porn site...
YIKES.
Try this.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/IamaWarriorGirl/

SORRY!

Right Now!

One of my dearest friends Amy Smith..

The talented artist who painted my logo..



And painted many of your all's family portrait to raise money

to adopt this beautiful little girl

NEEDS YOU! SHE NEEDS ALL OF OUR PRAYERS...
RIGHT NOW!

Before you click onto the next blog
Please lift them up.

They are in Ethiopia right now with their daughter
but
are facing the possibility that they will not be granted a Visa appointment.
Without going into detail things outside of anyone's control transpired.

My heart is breaking for Amy, Steve, the children they have at home who desperately miss their parents and can't wait to meet their new sister and for Bosena their new daughter.

Something About....

this boy.... makes my heart skip a beat!
He is definitely the most "challenging" kid right now in the family....
BUT...
He absolutely melts my heart.

He only needs to flash his brilliant smile at me...
look at me with his beautiful brown eyes...
AND
I am putty in his hands.
Love me some Diezel!

For Your Viewing...

I'm loving your input on the headbands. 25 votes so far. It's kind of split right now. I'm curious...I wonder how many of the people that voted ordered a headband and out of that number were excited about what was randomly picked? Can you tell I dig this stuff? This is what keeps me awake at night....over analyzing EVERYTHING! But it's great fun.

So here's the deal....it's extremely difficult to post pics of all the headbands. I may have only one or two that are alike and have over 80 total...That would take my whole blog! I did send some out to a good friend and amazing photographer GINNY...she will take pics of the ones I have more than one of and the least tacky:) One thing to remember is....100% of your money goes towards the clinic. The headband is just a keepsake of something greater!

I do have right now..at this very moment 6 headbands that would be PERFECT for Independence Day! If you want them in time for the 4th...then you need to order them by the end of this week. If they are not purchased then into the grab-bag they go!

Also..if you ordered a headband..please feel free to post a pic of you modeling it on the BECAUSE EVERY MOTHER MATTERS facebook page. I would love to see them:)

Here's a pic of the patriotic inspired headband that my sweatshop of love ladies created.....
If you want one..just put "4th July" in the notes to seller section.

*please note the above headbands and the 6 like it do not represent the style of the other 80 headbands:)*

Update Shower of love...

I had 3 women moved to shower this special momma with love! I sent a ton of sunflowers anonymously today. Thank you sweet friends for your willingness to spread the love!

New Group

I joined a new Yahoo group started by my friend Brandi....Anyone is invited to join. Everyone is writing a bio....here's mine:) It's called WARRIOR GIRLS...look it up!


I have read several intros and am deeply moved by the women on here...All of you
have the heart of a warrior. You seek out ways to help, you throw yourselves
into tense situations with the motive to make a difference in the lives of the
vulnerable. I admire you. My very heart beats with yours. You know God created
you for something more. You never quite fit in...even now..most of your family
and friends politely ignore you....or may support your efforts from a
comfortable distance....I can only imagine how you felt to find a group that
"gets" you. It's a relief. You know for the first time you are not alone!. You
are happy to escape the traditional cliques. Believe me I understand...Yet as I
sit here and read...I can't help but to sense in our own righteousness...we are
somehow creating that which we escaped. It is true....most family, soccer moms,
your friends, etc..won't get you. You may feel alone at family gatherings and
sports events...and you need a place you can vent. Just ask yourself one
question? Did you always get it? Were you always interested in sex trafficking?
Would you have been my friend in highschool? Did you ever judge what you didn't
understand? When is the last time you broke bread with the guy on the street.
Before you judge your friends for turning their heads when you talk about issues
that effect humanity...please look inside...how do you view who you are talking
to? What prejudice do you use before you open your mouth?
So..am I a warrior girl?
IDK.
Do I need to give you my resume? or list what I'm passionate about?
Maybe tell you what countries I am involved in?
NO.
I will say this....
A true warrior girl will not bow to a title, or fall to a group....A true
warrior girl will know that...work needs to be done. She will bury her head in
the sand. She will cling to hope until her fingers bleed, she will love and
embrace those who don't get it, she will simply hold on a little longer...The
only thing she knows...is not her power..but the power of CHRIST...She needs no
intro...because she knows she is nothing!

Opinion Time..

Your opinion matters to me...really it does. I'm going to put a poll up on the side of my blog and I want you to tell me what you think. It's anonymous so don't worry. Every week I want to ask a new question...some weeks the questions may seem pointless and other weeks more thought provoking. Anyway...it will be loads of fun:) I love learning what others think.

This weeks question is me seeking advice more than anything...

Question-Should I post pictures of the headbands that I sell to fund the women/infant clinic and allow people to choose what they want?

Here's the thing. When I posted pictures in the beginning I sold only 1 lonely headband. Then after my sweatshop of love ladies spent days sewing the tackiest headbands ever...I knew the chances of selling any by showing pics was zero! I stayed awake all night thinking of ways to use their efforts to raise awareness for BEMM and move product...thus- Tacky is the new cool was birthed. To date, I sold roughly 50 headbands by promoting tacky is hot and you get what you get...My family has had awesome fun randomly picking out headbands for people. I know about 80% of the people truly don't care what they get and just had fun playing a game and supporting a good cause. But what about the other %20...my heart sinks knowing they may get one and be really disappointed. So as of right now, I just picked up 64 SUPER CUTE ONES! I still have 20 tacky ones. That's $840 for the clinic. Do you think I would sell more if I posted pictures? Or should I charge $8.00 for grab-bag style and I randomly choose one or $10. to pick out your own? Anyway I have 84 left! What's your opinion?

Shower of Love

Not sure how or where to begin this post. It can be short and direct or long and lovely. Either way the end goal is to move those who want to be moved, inspire those who need inspiration and encourage all of you to be a small part in a special woman's life.

Here's the short and direct version- There's a woman who has personally made a huge difference in my life many years ago...she gave selflessly to many. She has been going through an incredibly rough time for the last few years. Her husband died. Her mother died. She has 4 grown children and cares for most of her grandchildren. Her husband was the sole bread winner. I don't think she has that much emotional, spiritual or financial support. I would LOVE to bless her cards of encouragement, gift cards (grocery, target, restaurant etc..), flowers, extra cash...anything. I want to so overwhelm her with love, kindness and prayer that she knows how deeply she is loved.

Now for the long and lovely- I met her in Los Angeles when I was 21. I quit my job as a circus employee and part time music store clerk to be a full time volunteer for Americorp. It was right after the huge '94 earthquake in the valley. I went to help at an elementary school that was hit hard. We started an afterschool program for the children. We offered a safe fun environment for the kids so the parents could piece their life back. A lot of these kids slept with helmets on their head from the fear of another quake. I had 25 kids in the program. One of the families that joined was the woman I'm talking about. Their home was all but destroyed and they all lived w/fear...yet, she seemed to mother everyone. She would pick up her kids and usually came bearing treats for my partner and I. Over the course of a year she quickly became my surrogate momma. When she found out I was getting married, she took me shopping. I had no shoes, no bra, no money..not much of anything. She bought me stuff so I could feel like a bride. She took care of me. Most of our family didn't come to our wedding. She was my momma there. She stayed by my side every moment. Our wedding was a potluck in a field. She brought most of the food. She was the only one to give us a gift that day. She gave us some money...she knew how poor we were, but more importantly she gave us the gift of service. She served us. She loved us! I remember thinking how I wanted to be like her. She was able to stay at home with her kids, she was super involved with their lives AND she helped others. I think she was my first example of how to serve and give with a loving heart....She gave because she wanted to..not because she felt obligated...She gave because that is who she was. We lost touch after a few years and Adam and I continued to struggle financially. Many days we wondered where our next paycheck would come from. Yet, whenever we had a little extra..I thought of her. I couldn't wait to give like she did. I kept waiting to have a ton more $ so I could...then it hit me. I could give smiles. I could give compliments. I could give laughter. I could give pennies. I could always give something! Then as our lives changed and I started having some $ in my pocket, I prayed for ways I could help someone. And this is how I live my life everyday thanks to this woman! I recently found out her husband died. She has no income. Her children are grown. She cares for her grandkids now. Her mom died. The house I remember her having is being rented out (and the renters are months past due) she is in a rental house now. She said she" is learning to embrace loss in her life". Yes..this is a good lesson to learn....however she has been embracing this for over two years now. AND it's time to embrace renewal and encouragement!
We are in a rough spot financially right now, but I desperately want to shower this momma with love and gifts! If you feel lead to send her a card of encouragement, gift cards to target, grocery, etc...money, flowers or just commit to praying for her..please email me privately and I will get you her info. She has no idea I am doing this...Please help me.

Home Again...

Yes. We are back. Can't wait to write....

Just Wanted to say...

Hi!
Still on vacation.
Kids are having a blast.
We are officially worn out.
The headbands I brought with me are almost sold out!
My sweatshop of love ladies have 100 more waiting for me to sell when I get home:)
AND
Over $4000 was raised for BEMM this Sunday at a small church in Tampa with a HUGE heart to help!

THANK YOU LOGOS DEI COMMUNITY CHURCH!
I can't wait to write more about them when I get home.

Go Tacky...

I'm having a blast with the grab-bag headbands.
In 2 days 12 people dared to spend 8 bucks on headbands
and have no idea what they look like.
I refused to post pictures and promised two things.

1. They may be really tacky (depending on personal taste) or a slight chance you may love what you get.

2. 100% of your $8.00 will go to support a momma in E. Africa.

At this point I have no idea if I sold 16 headbands because everyone loves a good game
or
a desire to support BEMM...either way..
IT HAS BEEN SO WORTH IT!
$128 was raised in 2 days.
It has brought so much joy and laughter to my family.
We get an email with an order and then close our eyes and randomly choose a headband!
PRICELESS.
I have to be honest..some are just plain tacky and others are adorable.
It's so much fun to be surprised every time.
I have even had local peeps who beg to look in the bag just to see..I refuse to let them!
They can see as many as they buy! Give me $8.00 and I'll randomly choose one.
Give me $8.00 more
and you can have/ see another.
As awesome as the anticipation to see what you get is....
The best part is %100 of the money goes towards the clinic!
I have had people email begging for a picture or ask me about how they fit...
For $8.00 and the fact that it all goes to charity...
does it matter?
Really?
The unknown is WAY more fun..anyway..:)
Like I said...I promise 2 things...
50/50 chance you'll like what you get
BUT
100% chance the money goes to a good cause!

AND
to keep the fun going we added
TACKY BRACELETS!
So for $8.00 + $2.00 shipping
YOU TOO CAN HAVE A SHOT AT OWNING EITHER A REALLY TACKY BRACELET
or
ONE YOU MAY LOVE!
and
yes...
100% goes towards charity.
BTW
You can still
GO TACKY
4
AFRICA
and order a headband.
Let the tacky continue!

DID YOU KNOW TACKY IS THE NEW COOL?!
You can order both on my side bar!
AND...
NO..NO PICTURES!
This is so much more fun!
Oh..and show how tacky you are!
Spread the word!
Be a dork...
Cause...
BEING TACKY FOR AFRICA IS COOL!
(Insert cheesy smile here)

Did You Get What You Needed?

Okay...seriously?! You know you live in a new time..when you make friends and then break-up with friends over the internet...I am fairly new to all of this..twitter, facebook, etc..And I know I don't understand social media etiquette...But what is with the "following", "unfollowing", "friend request", "friend block"? Seriously?! We might as well call this time in history plant and flee...plant a seed of friendship then run like hell..or what about my dad can beat up you dad..befriend someone from your past to show them you are one up...then run away. My favorite...Tag to be tagged. Follow someone on twitter because you want them to follow you. And when they fail to grow what you planted, be less than you expected or not boost your insatiable thirst for acknowledgment..you bail. Instead of building a real relationship....which is difficult..you simply wipe them out and erase them from your life. So before you "follow" me or send me a "friend request"...stop and think...Are you sure? Are you sure you even like me? And if you "follow" for a season...I hope when you leave you get what you needed. Much love..from a jaded social media junkie who is loyal to a fault and will not de-friend any of you...(unless you are a psychotic freak)

Sweat Shop of Love

Have you ever witnessed something so extraordinary, but you don't see the beauty in it right away. You are so wrapped up in your own agenda...that you fail to fully grasp what is in front of you? Today I had a million things to do. I won't bore you with the details..simply because..well, no matter what I had to get done was completely insignificant to what I needed to learn. On my list was to pick up a check for BEMM from the sale of headbands. I went to my friend Danette's momma's house. I wanted to stop in and meet her mom...I wanted to personally thank her for volunteering her time to make some headbands for BEMM to sell. I walked into 4 ladies including Danette busy at a kitchen table. There was fabric everywhere and sewing machines were plugging along. I met the ladies. I thanked them. They showed me a bag of headbands they spent 2 days making. It wasn't the fabric I picked out and bought, instead it was stuff they chose. I looked in the bag...30 headbands to be exact. 30 headbands x $8.00 = $240. for the clinic!...only my brain was thinking 2 days + 30 really tacky looking headbands = a waste of time. I politely thanked them...after all they were doing this to help. It wasn't until I left..it hit me... I was so focused on my goal. What I needed to get done. THAT I TOTALLY MISSED IT!
I didn't just walk into a room with 4 women sewing to help BEMM. I walked into something way bigger. I walked into a room with 3 generations of women!. 3 GENERATIONS! My friend Danette (30's) her mom (60s') and her mom (85)and an Aunt (60's).
All I had never met, but came together to sew. To serve. All momma's themselves...who get it! Who understand that what they do..does matter! I was so wrapped up in my own agenda...I failed to see what was happening. When I first started this crazy journey of BEMM, my goal and my vision was ONE PERSON MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF ANOTHER. I know raising $25k would be a lot easier if I approached businesses, big churches, etc...but I always knew I wanted it to be like this...I wish I had a picture to share with you of the women..like I said..I was a fool and didn't get the significance of what I saw until after I left, but I can see them clearly in my head and they are etched in my heart. 3 generations of mommas working for days in the sweat shop of love for the mommas in Africa! Uniting..working together..for something outside of themselves. POWERFUL!

So...I hope you get it. I hope you see the beauty that I failed to see. I have 30 tacky headbands made with the purest of love. I will have a paypal buy button on the side of my blog up for 3 days (after that I will be out of town) You will not be able to choose your headband..instead think of it this way...

$8.00 + $2.00(shipping)=A momma in Africa is supported and a momma here knows her time was well spent... the headband is a bonus

And no...I will not post pictures of them..This is way more fun!

Pictures? Who needs pictures? Think of it as a surprise bag. You know those brown paper bags you buy at carnivals for $5.00 without knowing what's inside? Yeah..pretty much the same! Only $8.00...and of course the money does go to Africa:)

Completely Naked

This is me. The real me. Sans make-up..and without the comfort of anonymity behind my keyboard.

My first ever VLOG.
I'm not going to lie...

1. To do this was....intimidating to say the least. To cry in front an unknown audience was humbling.
2. It is REALLY long, and I know from my marketing background that due to it's length only 20% of people who read my blog will take the time to click on the video and only 20% of the people who click on it will actually watch it...
So out of 200 who read my blog...only 8 will watch it....
I can't wait to see who will be the 8. I will know from your comments:)
3. I pray..that I will be wrong. I pray that more than 8 people will watch the whole thing. Why?
It's not just a post or words you can skim through...and then decide if you want to read the whole thing..

THIS IS MY HEART.
and..
I give it to you for 19 minutes.

Tired, worn-out...AND READY!

This man
AND
this woman
Married for 15 years
AND
parents to 6 children
are very much in love...
AND
extremely tired.
Everyday we choose to see what we cherish..
Cherish what we love...
AND
love what we have.
We have a crazy life.
A busy life.
A life filled with stressful things.
Everyday things that tend to drag people down...
We choose to plow through.

with a smile on our face..
Sometimes our smile is real
AND
sometimes it's fake

BUT WE KEEP GOING...

Because at the end of our day...
No matter how tired we are...
We choose to focus on what is good!
Is it perfect?
No.
BUT LOVE
Real love
is.
AND IT IS A CHOICE. A CHOICE WE MAKE EVERYDAY.

So this tired couple along with these beautiful...
yet
equally as tired and stressed children
Who have shed many tears
and

sighed many sighs...

Who have climbed an uphill battle for over two years without a break


And have fallen many times....
But continue to GET BACK UP!


And waded into the unknown...


Yes...this family....
is going on a much needed vacation.
The first family focused trip in over two years.
Next Friday we leave for Florida.
We have nothing really planned or set in stone.
We are just getting in the van...
and going.
We will be staying with Ad's cousin's wife (Candace). He(Jay) was recently deployed. They have 4 beautiful kids...and live by the beach! 10 kids. One house!
We will also be visiting Ad's BF and his family in Tampa! Their church recently sponsored BEMM on Mother's Day. I also hope to meet many blog friends!..
Like
MISSY
ANNE
and
JEN!
I can't begin to tell you how excited we are...

Nuggets That Nourish...

My heart and mind is in overdrive today. I have blown through a mound of paper scribbling down thoughts. I love nuggets of wisdom. You know..quotes or sayings that people come up with. In a few short sentences they have the ability to totally transform a thought pattern and renew your spirit. Lately many people have been quoting David Platt. WOW! Some convicting stuff like

Humbling, historic reality: The global purpose of God has always met resistance from the comfortable people of God. David Platt.

This one really got me thinking..And then there's this from Rick Warren

Orphans are not a cause, they are a biblical and social mandate we can't ignore.

And some of my all time favorite quotes that have changed my way of thinking...

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple
Dr. Suess
and another by him
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

Helen Keller..need I say more..

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.

What about Anne Frank

Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!

You all know my biggest mantra is....
One person can make a difference. It doesn't take someone with talent, education, money or (insert what you feel you don't have here)....It just takes YOU.

So my nuggets...the ones from my heart..that I wrote for the people who don't feel smart enough, rich enough, or capable enough. I know you are scared. I know this is new. I know you are busy...etc...Yet, I know you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach...You want to do something, anything....this is for you.

"When you choose to do nothing, you hurt the very thing that is needed....YOU"

"When we do nothing, because the problem seems too big...we cripple our faith. When we do something, no matter how small...we cripple the problem".

"Every action impacts something. When we choose to give we impact the one in need and ourselves...when we do nothing, we impact the way we see ourselves"

"When millions live in bondage we MUST deny ourselves the freedom to do nothing"

and finally....

"It is not my circumstances that vexes me as much as the depth of my faith.
For, if I truly believed God works everything out for His perfect glory then no amount of strife or turmoil should trouble me."

Looking back to appreciate what's ahead

I don't know what it is about looking back that inspires me for the journey that's ahead. We have just passed our 2yr "gotcha day" mark and the twins are by our records getting ready to turn 4. (Even though we just found out from their parents they turned 4 a couple of months ago). Many of you know our story and some of you are new. I still don't have an inspirational tear jerker adoption video put together. Still on my list. Just like finalizing the adoption here in our state. Many of my friends not only have done all the above, but then God lead them to more beautiful children. It's hard sometimes as a mom and woman not to compare our stories, victories and struggles. Yet, I know all of us are different and called to different things and our stories are different. I am not the type of mom to spend money on maternity pics, newborn pics, 1st birthdays...heck..I don't even have wedding pics. I don't scrapbook and I failed after my first child to create a memorable babybook. I don't buy school pics, sports pics or Easter dresses for my girls. If I really think about it..I pretty much suck as a family matriarch. Instead my money goes to other peoples adoption, different causes, BEMM, tons of videos for the kids because we choose to not have cable, an occasional facial, seeing friends..I never want to be in a position to choose between a new pair of jeans and feeding kids in Uganda. Don't get me wrong...I am blessed and at times able to do both. BUT for the lack of photo books, videos, and tangible memories..it comes down to time. My time for the last 14 years has been dedicated to survival. Every moment I get...I choose not to spend doing things that I know I will totally love and appreciate in the future..instead..I take a deep breath, ignore all that's around me and try to focus on what's ahead. Which is sometimes just dinner, or the laundry:)... Seriously WHO has time to try and be perfect? I am terribly busy surviving. Because I seem to lack the capacity to create beautiful visual things or am too cheap to buy them, I need to sometimes spend a few hours looking back...and remembering with my heart the tragedy that God made beautiful....Without my understanding...HE chose to give us these two children who were not lucky to find us...but we were lucky to find them.

Diezel on his way to the hospital in Addis. I remember being so worried about his bottom lip. He had the hardest time holding his lip and his tongue in. They both atrophied from his sickness. We spent the next year learning ways to strengthen the muscle tone that was lost due to malnutrition

Diezel(11 pounds) age 2. One of the few times he sat up unassisted while we were in Ethiopia

Xia age 2 (10 pounds)at the hospital in Ethiopia. I had to hold her head up. I kept her head covered in the hoodie while there. We got stared at a lot and many people turned their backs to us in fear. The pictures do not show the massive open wounds on her face and head where her skin starting eating itself. My dr. told me..if we were even a few days late getting them..they would both be dead.

Holding my babies in Ethiopia. We were all exhausted and tired. At this point..I had hope they were going to live. Our biggest hurdles were the embassy and the plane ride home.

This picture was taken 7 days after my arrival to Ethiopia and after 7 days of food and a trip to the hospital. She was looking much better, but had yet to smile. She was not sitting without help.
Again she is two weighs roughly 8-10 pounds. Is wearing a newborn diaper.

This is Adam meeting the twins for the first time. After I learned they were sick. I left early. We had already lost one baby to death in Liberia...I wasn't going to take a chance! Diezel is in size 3 month clothes..He is 2.

This is how Xia was most of the time. She was either half awake or screaming.

This is her passport picture

If you are interested in the rest of the story here it is...
We adopted 2 year old
twins. It has been quite the journey, in many ways not like I expected. Adjusting has been difficult to say the least. Please know if you actually finish reading this post, it is not meant to be negative. On the contrary I hope to encourage. We went through so much before we finally found our twins. One referral died of malaria, one taken back to their village and one here in our own state pulled two weeks before placement. All of them I loved. Our referral of the twins was nothing less than God's plan. Our paperwork arrived the same time the twins were taken to the orphanage. When I first saw their pic I was filled with fear. Fear of another loss. Much to our surprise the process with our new agency went lightning fast. I was set to travel 3 months past the date of first hearing of them. Then a week before I was to leave I got a call. They were sick, but would be okay. Not wanting to take any chances, I left the next day without my husband. Not what I planned, but obviously what God planned. I will never ever forget what I saw when I walked into the orphanage. Two kids looking the shell of my first photo of them. At 22 months they weighed a mere 10 pounds. They looked like the kids from the late night infomercials. The ones whose faces haunt you. They had the skeletal frames, sunken eyes, and dead expressions, but they weren't the kids on the aids fliers and infomercials, they were my babies. It suddenly felt less like a gotcha day and more like a rescue mission. Every day I was there was so painful. The fear was intense. Are they going to live? If they do what are the life long effects going to be. My heart screamed for them, for our kids at home. Our first attempt through immigration, and we were denied the ability to bring them home. Our agency messed up. Again tears. By that time my husband was in Ethiopia. Praise God he was there to fight that battle. I was so overwhelmed with the twins state. Our little girl cried all the time and our little boy was so sick. In the midst of all of this God still had bigger plans. We met an amazing couple while we were there. God spoke, "Help them." She was pregnant with their second child, the first one died months before in utero at 8 1/2 months. They were terrified of losing this one. With help from another amazing family that was with us to pick up their own daughter, they covered her plane ticket to the states and we agreed to care for her. Our flight home was painfully long. The twins cried most of the way and the pregnant woman that was with us was sick. When we got home the twins were hospitalized. We didn't know if our son was even gonna make it. We were told over and over again that they were knocking on deaths door. In the meantime we have four other kids at home that haven't seen me in weeks and now I'm in a hospital room with their new brother and sister. I didn't want to leave them and yet I knew my other kids needed me to. As each day went by, I felt my own strength leave. The twins doctors would comment on how bad I looked. Only now do I realize the full extent of God's hand in my life during that period. I ended up having Typhoid fever, Hep A, Giardia, and tissue parasites. The twins were released a few weeks later. I continued to be sick for three months. Needless to say the last five months have been challenging. I still feel robbed in a weird way of how I thought our adoption experience was to go. I now have six kids at home that are still trying to figure out how to be a family and a pregnant Ethiopian woman that is now my best friend and is due in a month. So in a few short months we have gone from a family of six to a soon to be family of ten. NOTHING went as I planned, but EVERYTHING went as God planned.

I Must Remember...

Spending sometime today looking back at how far the twins have come. We are getting ready to celebrate their 4th birthday..Doesn't seem possible. Seems like just yesterday I was meeting them for the first time. I forgot how sick and how small they were. At almost 2 they weighed 10 pounds. This video was taken after their weeks in the hospital and after their 2nd birthday. They had just start walking and are in 3-6 month size clothes.