Saturday, June 26, 2010

My World....


with Xia...

It is no secret that I struggled from the beginning with attaching to Xia.
I have cried more tears..
over her, with her and for her.
I have regretted more than I know what to do with
for the words spoken, the things I have thought and my reactions to her.
I have found myself second guessing EVERYTHING over the last few years.
I feel I have failed her more than any of my other children.
I have failed to understand...
I have failed to give her what I know she desires.
I have failed her as a mother.
I lack patience
understanding
and sometimes even lack in my love for her.
From the moment I met her...
I knew she was strong!
too strong for a child of 2.
She was hurt..
too hurt for a child of 2.
She was manipulative
and brilliant at it...
YET
SHE
WAS
JUST
TWO

and she should not have to be that strong
or
that hurt
or
know the power of manipulation
at age 2.
Even then, when I first met her..only 10 pounds and fighting for her life as she held me close..yet..
she also screamed when I would look at her.
Thus has been our relationship.
I need you
I hate you

I love you
yet..
I am going to test that love everyday...
in ways you never imagined.
I never really questioned my mothering skills until I adopted.
Needless to say...
Xia and I have come along way
and we have far to go...
I forget that sometimes.
I expect my relationship with her to move along at the same pace as my other kids...
the truth is...
Our relationship can never be the same I have with my other daughters!
I know some may disagree...
but
I would be naive to think it could be.
Our relationship has the ability to be AMAZING....
But.
I will never fill the role of the momma of her dreams...
and..
I will never be all I need to be for my other kids as well.
Welcome to motherhood!
I can promise...
I will do my best.
I will always try to be more..
give more
and do more for
ALL of my kids.
Xia
my sweet...
I love you.
In 20 years when you look back...
you may net remember today with fondness,
but I pray all the little moments we have
create a masterpiece.
A masterpiece at first glance may seem jumbled,
but when you step back
YOU CAN SEE SOMETHING AMAZING!
My love for you.


7 comments:

Paula said...

Well, you almost made me cry. I can so relate to this, as my relationship with Candace is much the same as yours with Xia, even though Candace was much older (if we can call a five year old "older"). No, it won't be the same as the relationship I have with my older bio daughters, or even with her twin, Sarah. They are all different people. WE are all different people. My hope is that the love will grow until it feels right and full for her even though it is "different". I do love her so, and I know you love your adorable and sweet little Xia, too. We can't be perfect, we can only do our best. I know I've said and done some things I wish I would have done differently over the last year, too. Live and learn. Trite but true. Hugs and love to you.

Jaime And Drew said...

This post meant a lot to me. I am 4 months into my relationship with my son my 4 year old son. It really helped that your words expressed a lot of my emotions. Thanks Jaime

Shonni said...

Oh my gosh, how you wrote what has been i my heart for a few of mine... thank you for sharing your precious journey with our children!!!

Wife to the Rockstar said...

So beautiful. You said what so many of us feel and have struggled with along the way!

Sean and Lisa said...

I so understand and am right there with you for several of my precious ones as well.
Much love!
lisa

Beautiful Mess said...

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

Love you friend!

God bless! and you and your girl have a beautiful love story! It's HIStory!

Incognito said...

I love this!