For the past few weeks I have been in a funk. A self one made at that. Nothing significant has happened to warrant such a feeling of drab. I could blame spending the last few weeks of sickness that has been running wild around here and the constant exhaustion from that....but truth is, in all honesty-when is someone in my family not sick? Really? I know that sounds bad, but there is always some sort of health issue around here and no amount of PMA seems to change that. Okay, well maybe my blahness is from our financial situation. Our year ended um...quite lame in that department. We owe more than we have and don't even own one single credit card...go figure. We had to lay off a few people in our company, take out loans to make payroll, had someone break into our building and rob us, etc....but you know what? We have struggled financially worse than this before. I was just laughing with a friend that just a few short years ago, we lived in an 800sqft apartment with 3 kids, electricity that was off as much as it was on, and eating bread and ketchup and I was pretty happy. Then maybe, just maybe I feel lousy because we have way too much on our plate. We have 6 kids, a few businesses in a sucky economy, the film, my organization, taking care of family, and life...Yeah, but...we have always had more going on than we know what to do with. It's how we roll. Then there's my marriage....Yes, things have been stressful for the last few years. Adam and I have had so much against us. (I think all relationships have been under attack this past year). We have struggled through the adoption of the twins, our crazy lives, mid-life stuff, and the fact we have been married for 16 years! Yet, we continue to grow closer everyday and Adam is still my best-friend. I love him deeper than I did the day we eloped over 16 years ago.
So, what's left? Why on earth have I been feeling so completely overwhelmed and just plain un motivated? Could it be my connection with God? Have I become so "Me" focused or "Africa" focused that HE has been replaced? Without my Creator in my life, without every single move I make be woven into His beauty....It is all in vain. Have I become vain? Have I stopped seeking HIM? Have I forgotten? Do I remember the state of grace that I melt into every waking moment? Do I still know the same love that set me free all those years ago?
I want to say, "yes"...I want to believe deep down that I am still doing everything inspite of me, and for HIM. What's different then? I think it's exposure. I am so used to being naked before God bearing all my inadequacies and trusting that in all my ugliness....HE is there, embracing me.
I never thought that I would be exposing that same ugliness to a crowd of 1000 or that in that crowd a handful of people would embrace me, encourage me and praise me. This my friends is what vexes me....YOU. I am used to and comfortable with my life that I have lived quietly over the last 15 years. The very fact that I would even ask for help to fund my trip to Africa is so beyond my threshold and that in 3 days 5 of you would donate a total of $300 to my trip is overwhelming.
I guess I'm finding myself slightly freaked by all God is calling me to and having so many of you support me.
I just don't want to let anyone down.