Monday, February 15, 2010

A Life of Dreams

I just now realized I missed my Friday Friends post this last week. It's not the best way to start off a new "tradition". Ooops. Has it really already been 5 days since my last post?With this new year I really wanted to post more. With all of my sickness the last few months I came to view this silly blog as something much more. This silly blog is my journal. It really is not only the record of my life but my children's lives as well. What I write is important. Not for me, but for them.
I was blessed to spend the night with my man at a bed and breakfast last night. It wasn't until this morning that he fully explained to me what the last three months have been like for him. He said there were many hours he spent on his knees praying for God to give him strength. I haven't blogged a lot about that time, but it was a very real possibility that I might die. He was so strong during that time that I mistook it for nonchalance or ambivalence. My heart became hurt and when your heart hurts it becomes hard. And when your heart is hard it becomes bitter. I had become increasingly bitter towards my man in response to my hardened heart that was hurt because of his pain. How twisted. My husband is hurt for a very real reason and I am then hurt by my misunderstanding of his hurt. Typical, huh? Rewind- Last week I found myself crying on my bathroom floor with my man by my side. All of his hurt and all of my hurt combined was unbearable. God started to repair us there. We talked about my jealousy of the visions in his heart and his fear of the visions in mine. We prayed for God to align the dreams in his heart to the dreams in mine. We prayed that both of our hearts align to God's heart and that He removes anything that is not HIS WILL from both of our hearts. This week has been interesting to say the least. He has spent many hours in editing his first film. I was invited to become part of an amazing group of women that love God and desire to be used by him. I have never allowed myself to be apart of something outside of God, my marriage, and my family. I look forward to being a part of a group of women who mentor each other and pray for one another. It is by no accident that during this time I was connected to this group. I have prayed more this week than I have many weeks. And man have my prayers been answered in ways I couldn't have orchestrated. I laid down the desires of my heart and asked God to make His known. I prayed to make my husband's desires my own. God is moving. He is working through our hurts and through our fears. My man is incredible. Even in the realm of losing me these past 3 months he is open to God's call for me to return to Africa. Even in the time I felt like I needed my man the most I was open to God calling him to more. He made a movie, bought land and dreamed big. Two different visions. One God. One Will. His Will. It is hard being married to a dreamer let alone two dreamers with different dreams being married to each other. I love my man. I love my God.
I trust my man. I trust my God. I love living my life. A life of dreams

3 comments:

darci said...

this is absolutely beautiful. thanks for sharing with your raw honesty. praying for th etwo of you tonight. darci

Becky said...

Steffany,

You are so, so precious! Man...do I need to talk to you. Everyday I think maybe I will carve out some time. I will purpose to call you within the next two days!! Love you my friend!

Lindsey said...

Thank you so much for sharing! I cherish getting to know you better!