Sunday, October 26, 2008

By Coincidence? I Think Not.

With the kind of life I have lead, I know better than to question God. I normally don't ask, "Why?"or, "Where's the good in this?" I trust Him. I don't always understand. Most of the time it's easy not trying to figure out God's plan and simply trusting him, then there are times where it's just plain painful. I still trust him, but I'm left looking for the good. Three weeks ago when Adam and I went on my birthday ride(16 miles on our bicycles along the river to a beautiful winery/restaurant), we stopped at a gas station to pick up a flashlight in case it got dark on the trip. The moment I pulled my bike in, I felt an intense weight in my heart. There was a group of 5-6 teenage kids hanging outside with baggy jeans and hoodies. I looked at them and then I saw him, D. (If your not familiar with our history with him, you should be. He is a huge part of our adoption journey.) Adam was the first to hug him. He was surrounded by all his friends, I didn't know how to respond. We spoke with him for awhile. Then he looked at me and said, "Happy Birthday Steffany." He remembered, I could have cried right there. He remembered my birthday after a whole year. "Thanks D." Thanks D, that's all I said. I wanted to scoop him up(even though he's a lot bigger than me) I wanted to tell him, how much I loved him, that I missed him. That I still feel the hole that was left behind. After they left, the attendant came out and asked how we knew D. She lives in the same neighborhood as him. She told us that she had just kicked out D and his friends for shoplifting. After we told her our history with him, she shook her head and sighed,"He's a good kid, I just wish he hung out with different kids." For the rest of the 15 miles Adam and I rode with a heavy weight on us. We started asking, "Why?"and "Where's the good in this?" Today three weeks later, Adam decided to call him to see if he could go with Adam and Jace to St. Louis to see our film, The Red Canvas. D. was a huge part of our lives during the filming the movie. We were filled with hope when we made the call. Only to be told by his new foster mom that D. made a conscious decision to set fire their house. Again, I'm asking,"Why Lord, why?" I know we are suppose to be involved in his life. I just thought it was to be his parents. It's hard to be around him and not mother him, but that's not the role God chose for me. As I type this I'm becoming more aware of the answer to,"Why" and the,"What good is in this Lord" questions. Sometimes it's just not how I pictured things to go. Okay, if I back up, it never goes how I planned, I should know that by now. It does however always go how God planned it. Even the pain.

6 comments:

amy smith said...

love you steffany.

Brenna said...

I did not know your story with D, but I can certainly feel your pain now. We had the similar experience of "losing" a child through respite foster care when all along we thought God wanted us to parent her. It was gut-wrenching to lose her, and I still miss her and hurt for her. God bless you, and God bless D. Hugs.

Leah Dooley said...

Oh my goodness....I can't believe y'all saw him. That was such a divine appointment. Is he going to St. Louis w/ them? You're calling me!

Paula said...

This story really touched me. I don't know about your life with D, but I can imagine the pain you feel and also the happiness of seeing him on your birthday. Big hugs.

Emily said...

He needed you when you were there for him and God will use that for good even if we never see it.

Wife to the Rockstar said...

I am so sorry. I have tears. I too wonder why.