Saturday, February 2, 2008

Ah-Ha Moment

It finally happened! I think I can finally put to words what I have been feeling. Praise God for clarity.
Although my thoughts seem perfectly clear in my head right now there is no guarantee you will be able to make any sense out of my written words. The author of this post is not liable for any confusion you may suffer from reading her thoughts.

My thoughts have been really heavy this last week or so. Not heavy as, "oh-poor me." But heavy with grief for others. It started with one baby outfit. I came across Marion's outfit in the closet and told Leah about it. She said," I could mail it to her in case she had a girl". When she said that a huge defense went up. I thought no way. Then I started to ponder why I would think that. And that was the catalyst for almost two weeks of heaviness. After I started thinking about Marion, my thought's immediately went to Marion's House, then from there my thoughts fell on Liberia. And immediately an overwhelming sense of pain and loss fell over me. It wasn't necessarily about Marion. It was an over all feeling of something not being right in Liberia. For days I wrestled with assumptions. I knew families were there. Nothing lead me to believe anything was wrong, but still I wrestled, Why hadn't I heard anything about the baby home. Maybe there was no home built, but that didn't make any sense because I know the people who I entrusted to do it. They are amazing, ethical, beautiful and have a heart to serve. So, then I knew they had bigger fish to fry. I felt uneasy and it felt horrible not knowing what or if something was happening. I wanted to help, but didn't know what to do. In the middle of all of this more people were making their blogs private. Which I totally understand, but it caused a ripple in the blog adoption world. Lack of information + rumors = panic. Let me say here, that I was not panicked 1. I don't listen to rumors. 2. I can't think of a two.
I also found out that two different very dear blog friends( lisa and Kim) almost lost a child to sudden death this week. My heart hurt for them and what they went through .
On top of all this. I found out 2 separate families(Davis Family and Cold Water)lost their spouse suddenly. Both of these families had recently adopted and they both were young and loved the Lord. Tears fell for days, my heart broke. I started thinking about my sister who died in her sleep two years ago last month. I started thinking about my health and how crappy I've been feeling lately. And gosh darn it wouldn't you know I started thinking about Marion's outfit. Why won't I let it go? So my heart was heavy. But more importantly God answered my prayers. How many times I've prayed Lord help me love people and see them the way you do. So, it hit me! My heart wasn't heavy with grief it was heavy with compassion. How blessed be His name. He has shown me how to make that, "heaviness" which weighs you down and turn it into light. A light for Him!
Matthew 9:13
I desire compassion, and not sacrifice, for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.
This topic alone is worthy of a whole other post. One has been written, not by me but by Amber
I encourage you to read it. She speaks my heart more brilliantly than I could. I wish that when my mouth moved her words would come out.
Back to Marion's outfit. I finally figured out why I wouldn't let it go. I'm at peace with her death, I'm at peace with not having "a baby" girl. I'm at peace with it all! Before Marion died, I was taken with Africa. I was drawn, I felt passion. But after she died, it all became personal. It was no longer that country over there. It was my country, it was my blood, it was COMPASSION! They were no longer the nameless faces. They were my baby Marion's face. Her outfit, the one I cling to is a symbol of the birth of a deep compassion that God placed in my heart.
And as for Marion's house, The families that were there, were fighting a huge battle. One way bigger than getting an update on Marion's house. They were fighting for families and children. Praise God He was on their side, fighting the battle for them and with them.

I also wanted to thank you all for encouraging me to blog. I loved the comments about wanting a new post. I was never offended by your saying, "I" . It came across to me as support and friendship, so thank you.

I have also been tagged by Emily
to write about 8 things. Sweet I feel so special, I've never been tagged before. Super Cool! So, my next post will be the 8 things.


emily said...

Oh my compassionate friend- it resonates from you, oozes from your words. Thank you for blessing me with your post today!

I can't wait to read your next post and learn even more about you!

Stepping Out of the Boat said...

You're such a beautiful woman of God!

Lisa said...

Every time I read your posts I come away encouraged, inspired and blessed. Thank you! You are an amazing gift in my life!

Fantastic Four said...

No wonder why you didn't/couldn't post. I read these stories and can't help but shed tears. I don't know what to say...other than...I am so sorry!

Brandi said...

That is so it! Of course that's what it was all along. .why didn't we think of that?! Ha ha. . I love that God can shed light on our feelings that we don't understand. I also understand the concept of something feeling heavy until realizing it is from the Lord. . all of a sudden, it becomes a gift. A sweet gift that does mean pain in the midst, but hte good kind.

You did great writing your heart!

Love you,

Kami said...

Oh, how I wish I could give you a hug.

We wanted to go to Marion's House, but it just didn't work out with all of the chaos going on. Pastor Wesley even mentioned taking us there, but we had been at the home 5 hours that day and kids were starting to fall asleep and it was dinner time. I know that I wanted to go there, as well as HollyAnn and the other parents. Hopefully you will get an update soon!

amber said...

This was a wonderful post -- thanks for sharing your heart. I have had times like that in my life when I felt like I was in a fog and nothing was clear... and then all of a sudden the fog lifted and the sun shone brightly and I KNEW.

It is a relief and a blessing to KNOW.

I am glad for your revelation, but I'm still sorry for what you've had to walk through. Pain is hard... even when it draws us closer to Him and propels us forward toward compassion.

I am glad I found you again. I was trying to get back using the wrong blog address! I've got it straight now.

Blessings to you.

Leah Dooley said...

I don't know how I missed this post, but I just read it for the 1st time. All I can say is that I'm sorry I upset you about Marion's outfit. I wasn't meaning to be insensitive but I can see how that's what I was doing. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?