Monday, November 22, 2010

Here's the Deal....

I have no idea what I am doing. I sometimes kid myself into thinking I have a plan or that I can charge into whatever I'm doing and come out victorious. In all honesty...I'm not the most relateable, smartest, or capable of people. I am not trying to be down on myself or display a false humility..I am just being real. I have people for whatever reason through this blog want to meet me and when they finally do, I rarely hear from them again. I know this and it's okay, it really is. I am different, weird, crazy, "ADHD", blonde, aloof..etc...I'm kind of the underdog I guess. The underdog of non-profits, the underdog of life, the underdog in relationships. I come up with these, for me, huge goals..like raise 5k for a baby home in Liberia in one week, raise 3k for a Christmas project in Uganda in a few days, raise $1800 for a mom in Ethiopia, 15k for medical expenses for Gedese, 15K for a women's health center, 1000's for strangers adoptions, 5k for World Aids day, etc...I attack these goals/visions with absolutely no plan, no backing, or thought. I am not popular, well liked or for the most part taken seriously. I have 62 blog readers and half of those probably have never even read my blog (I do have a handful of loyal friends/readers who support whatever crazy thing I do). I don't have a "following", a "platform"..I am terrified to speak publicly whether it's in front of one person or 100.Yes, my family has had limited grocery budgets, we sold my cars, my family has sacrificed alot to meet many of the goals when the donations didn't come in...No complaints here. I am blessed. In all reality for me to even think BEMM could even make a dent in the issues that are dear to my heart is ignorant. I doubt BEMM/or me will ever be "successful" in most peoples eyes. I don't think we will ever help the 1000's. I don't think I will ever have 1000's of people supporting my goals....BUT DOGGONEIT...That is what I love. Just because of the reasons I mentioned...for BEMM to accomplish every single goal that I listed above can ONLY be attributed to GOD! There is no way..this girl (me) could have done anything by myself. The only answer is HIS power because it is so evident and clear that it is NOT ABOUT ME. I will never help 1000's, but I can tell you by name each and every person that BEMM has helped and to me that is why I continue to ignore the obvious that I have no idea what I am doing and trust that GOD does.

4 comments:

Paula said...

Love you just the way you are. Which is way less awkward than me, by the way. :)

Erin said...

I LOVE the way you do things, and the faith with which you dream and act! Jesus ministers to us individually, by name, and I think it is awesome that you do the same for the sweet BEMM mamas!

Jaime And Drew said...

love this post. i can relate to a lot of it. especially the meet once never hear from again. this was hard for me to deal with at first (okay it still is) but God continues to return my emails and phone calls, per say. thanks for being real, for inspiring me. i honestly can not wait to meet you. oh and the part about not having a clue what your doing...yeap me 2 totally!! i can not only say that for delivering hope for just about ever aspect of my life. God has totally removed my compass and now I just thank him for what I have and have no clue what tomorrow holds.

Layla Payton said...

Ummm...I am going to be a LOT harder to get rid of than that. In fact, if you were closer, you would NEVER get rid of me! I just love EVERY little thing about you, especially your "realness." It doesn't come off as a false sense of humility at all. You are so tiny in person, but you pack a POWERFUL punch...and it's contagious. It's contagious because Jesus just shines through you. You are right, it's NOT about us, it's about HIM!