Monday, January 25, 2010

Digging for Kyrptonite

Lately I have been struggling with a craving to feel accepted. I want everyone from the cashier at the gas station to my bank president's wife to love me.
I want to be able to relate to everyone from the guy on the corner with his sign to the lady in fur standing next to me in line.
I want to love them as much as I desire to be loved.
It is like a constant battle inside of me-one side pushing itself into the shadows and the other side desperately seeking the limelight. It's like wanting to be on Oprah but then showing up in disguise. I search out truth, but then camouflage my true intentions.
This is my struggle.
This is me.
As much as I crave anonymity, I crave being recognized. I created this blog to satisfy both.
I can be appreciated by strangers.
Yet, open myself up for judgment from people I know.
It's a fine line.
A line that I cross many times.
What weakness do I lay in front of the world to see? What strength do I want to be acknowledged and praised? I can manipulate my readers to view me and see me how I want.
What started as a facebook pep talk with a friend turned into an epic one song journey. Spending hours listening to the same song over and over again. What I thought would build up a friend brought me to my knees.
It was a song about Superman. The Five for Fighting Song.

"I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a silly red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
inside of me ...... inside of me ...ya inside of me... inside..of me "

The reality is...
I am nothing.
And even in my superman cape it is just me.
I can show you the white cloud I ride and write about flying high, but the truth is it's still just me. So in my quest for the great acceptance of others I am left unsatisfied. Because that's not who I am. I bleed. My life is messy. I make huge mistakes. I won't hide them. My cape is fake and my clouds are gray. I will never be loved by all or appreciated by many.
But I am loved by one.
The Special Thing Inside Of Me.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

And the more I try to search for
or pretend that
I am anything other than me
the closer I get to
digging up the


Jen said...

So I'm struggling a bit too. I started my blog just as an update for friends and family and as cheap therapy but now all these people have glimpses into my life and although I love it, I also feel a weird kind of pressure to be more than I am. I am so flawed and raw and infalliably human...who can like this except HIM? I love your honesty and your truth, it is what draws me to you.

darci said...

what a powerful post to read-I love your from the gut honesty! Just last night talking to my husband "even if I please know one else, as long as God is pleased wth my choices"...I can totally relate to how you feel-the pressure to perform, to be someone w/o the big ugly flaws I have-last night just so glad that God knows me inside and out, and really loves me, even in my humanity and ugliness.

Missy said...

precious girl...i've never met you, yet i love you and can relate to you on so many levels.

Anonymous said...

AHHHH. I so hear you.

Jamie S said...

I just recently started a blog, excited to keep friends and family who live far away up to date. It is quite bare. I thought it was just me. I worry about what to write or share because of what so and so will say or think or give me unsolicited advice about. I make so many mistakes. I mess up every day. When will I stop having to learn new lessons the hard way? Thank you for your honesty!