Thursday, January 21, 2010

Looking Back

Well since I'm stuck in bed again I decided to read my blog from the beginning. I spent my day looking back over the last few years.

I got to relive all the emotions and memories with each post I read. I got to reflect on where I have come from and I got inspired to keep moving forward to where I want to go. What is it about looking back than spurs you ahead? I cried all over again when I saw Marion's picture of her lying in the hospital alone in Liberia . I remembered like it was yesterday not being able to fully comprehend the attachment I would have to a child half way around the world that I have never met. And to come to the realization that her death was the catalyst I needed to hear God's voice. At that time all I could think of was the two children in Liberia that I was to adopt. Yes, I would read about the statistics of infant mortality in developing countries. I knew a little of the aids pandemic. I was aware that lack of water was a problem. But for me the reality was I just really wanted to adopt my two Liberian kids. Is wasn't until Marion died and Emmanuel left the orphanage that it became personal. That the number of 143 million orphans became real to me. That Marion would be alive if she had access to clean water and basic medicine. It took the death, just one of thousands that day-the death of a baby I never met but was still my daughter to make me finally get it. It is or was never about just two children. Two weeks later the funds were raised for Marion's house. A home that was to be built in her honor to care for babies without a home. At the same time this was happening our family was falling in love with another orphan. Only he was in our city and in foster care. He was 12. We became his respite care providers so we could spend the weekends with him. I spent hours a week on the phone with his foster mom. We took him to Disney world. Our children loved him. The week before he was to move in and forever be a part of our family his foster mom called. He molested a little girl and would not be able to be a part of our family. That was it. No call from his caseworker. Nothing. He moved to another foster family just around the corner from us. Even now as I look back it still hurts, but now I feel a great sense of relief. Looking back I can see how God beautifully orchestrated everything from Marion, Emmanuel, foster kid D, to our twins Diezel and Xia. Through our foster parent training I learned to understand without condemnation the choices some moms make inspite of their responsibilities as a parent. I have a deeper since of compassion after realizing I could make the same decisions given the same situation. In me the same darkness and uncertainty lives. Just today I was feeling stagnant. Like a clogged pipe. Crying out, "Lord I have felt you. I have heard you. Yet I feel like I have done nothing". Then I looked back and reread my life over the last few years and I know the truth. I heard. I felt. And I did do something. During the time of Foster kid D, I partnered with an organization in Uganda. In two weeks the money was raised to fund a project. Lives were changed. Clean water was made possible. Agriculture processes were put in place. Then....on Jan. 16 2008 exactly one year after my sister died to the day and 1 year 16 days after we decided to adopt I got a call. "would you be interested in twins. One boy one girl almost 2?" I forgot how scared I was to get excited until I read my old posts. It took me forever just to look at their pictures. I remember looking at them for the first time..

Okay this is officially too long..
Until next time.


Beautiful Mess said...

Hate to see that come to an end... waiting for next time!

Love, Jen

Anonymous said...

Ok, you made me cry. And through all your trials, I am SO very glad that you ended up with Xia and Diezel....I love them.

"MW" (Miss) Wendy

Becky said...

What???? Back in bed?? You need to tell me what is going on.

darci said...

wow, stephanie, what an amazing journey back thru time. you have inspired me to go back and read your blog from the beginning and get to know you more! :) i started reading not that long ago, so i want to read all you wrote about. why are you back in bed? praying for your health! darci