Friday, January 29, 2010

The Itch

A few weeks ago I had the itch. The one I get when stability and routine starts to set in around here. It's almost like I thrive on change and chaos. When I was younger and had the itch, I would just pick up and move somewhere. I would change jobs. Go on a road trip. Dye my hair an awful bright rainbow color or just disappear for awhile. It's a lot harder to do all those things when you have 6 kids, a business, own a home, are married and in spite of the annoying itch that comes once or twice a year, you love the life you are living and feel incredibly blessed. So what do I do when the itch comes?

You go from this

Nice long mostly natural blonde hair to

Very short dark brown hair.

I did this three weeks ago, but since my husband despises it-I have been a little shy about posting about it. It's funny...I really don't give much attention or much thought about how I look.
I could care less if I had short, long, blonde, black, curly or straight hair. I rarely wear make-up and am not the most hygienic girl. I call myself with much love, "the dirty hippie:)" I do however normally pay great attention and give much thought to how my dear hubby feels. His reaction took me by surprise. To be honest...I am still trying to come to terms with it. I find myself being sullen, acting shy, wearing a hat at all times, and feeling just plain weird. I feel ugly and lost. But the worst of I know it is my fault and it goes way deeper than just hair and appearances. I have never posted about marital stuff before and that's for a good reason. I do not, will not and never have spoken ill of my husband to anyone. I believe the marriage is a sacred union. If I have a problem, I go to Adam and I fall on my knees. The only reason I am sharing is because this is not an Adam problem...this is a me problem. I do share very openly on my blog about the struggles I am going through. And this is my struggle. I believe it is impossible to stand still. Show me anything in God's creation that just does nothing or is impacted by nothing. In all areas of your life you are never in stand still. You are either moving forward or falling back. That goes for your personal development, your relationships, your health, and your spiritual growth. With that said...Why am I feeling ugly and embarrassed? Because I am and I should. Whenever I feel like I need to change something external to appease the internal then something is wrong. When I crave distraction from my everyday life then something is wrong. When I feel my happiness will come from change than from endurance then something is wrong. When my inside is as chaotic as my outside then something is wrong. It is not a hair problem, a location problem, a kid problem, a responsibility problem, a self image problem, it is a spiritual problem. I have been so wrapped up in my sickness problem that I neglected what was in front of me. Adam and I have been married for 15 years not by luck, but by hard work, and constantly pushing forward as a team. My hair is nothing more than a silly metaphor. While I am discontent with how things are..I am more importantly ignoring what is right. To me my hair is my husband it is everything. Not my hair really..more like what is constant. It's like how after the earthquake in Haiti I approached him about opening our home. I like change. I crave chaos. When I asked him, it was like daggers in his back. I am telling him I need more. God speaks to me. As a man....He hears...My wife is not satisfied. She wants more. God speaks to her? Am I not enough? But when you are unified he hears...I am doing well. She believes in me. Yes, we can take on more...I can feel it. And sometimes if you are unified you will hear...My husband knows us so well. I am blessed. I need not look elsewhere. My heart really is content. Whether it's my hair or more children....It is never about me. When I got married I was suppose to abandon me....I was called to embrace we. And I know that I fell backwards...I know I neglected him. When I start to focus on his weakness I have failed to see my own. When I can see mine for what they truly are...his are nothing. When you feel like the people around you need to change...then my friends it is time to look inside. And you will find it is not as much about them, as it is about you and what you need to change. No, it's not your hair, your family size, or your is your heart.


Donna said...

W. O. W. Deep waters. Love it. Very convicting.

Sean and Lisa said...

Ouch! That touches a little too close to home for me....

Thanks for sharing your struggles transparently and vulnerably they are not in vain. I am often convicted by your posts, challenged, and blessed to learn and grow.

Thank you!
Much love!

Leah Dooley said...

First off, I'm reading your blog...yay! One step closer to being reinstated to blogland.

What a good post. I'm so proud of you for admitting all that stuff. I can't believe you said it..."I crave chaos." That's a big one for you. I think it impacts your life in a lot of ways & it sounds like you are getting to the root of it. Something I read in my Bible study today is that God never reveals sin in our lives for the sake of condemnation or guilt but to change us & make us free. So I urge you to keep digging until you become free from bondage in this area.

I love what you said about changing your outward appearance to satisfy an inward longing (or something like that). I'm struggling with that right now, too. Probably b/c I'm 7 months preg & not feeling a little insecure with my body.

Thank you for always showing me how to be a better wife. I constantly learn from you.

Jen said...

Ouch. thanks. needed this.

Beautiful Mess said...

"When I crave distraction from my everyday life then something is wrong."

"My wife is not satisfied"

these two resonated with me the most--my guts hurt reading this... deep waters is for sure!

I just spent hours writing a post about sacrifice-ouch too!

Praying blessings over your life! Thank you for being vulnerable! Thank you for being real!


Melinda said...

Beautiful post!!!! Also I love your hair. Makes me want to get a hair cut. ;)

Laura said...

Wow, Steph! I haven't been reaching out much lately and thought I'd check in via sad! Anyway, ditto! I feel the same way so often and feel like I have to change something about me because of all the chaos inside. Nice to know I am not alone and neither are you. Love you and, actually, I like your hair!

Adam said...

I love you my wonderful partner.
I love you SO much!

Becky said...

You are precious! We need to talk again soon.