Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Side Effect and An Observation

I'm on day 3 of my In Everything Give Thanks 30 day Trial.

An interesting an overwhelming side effect occurred today.
I cried.
It wasn't my typical cry of feeling over my head and stressed.
I started to reflect on the day Adam met Diezel and Xia for the first time in Ethiopia. I had already been there for a few days alone and afraid. Afraid they would die before he could meet them. Afraid that if they lived the lasting effects of such severe malnourishment and sickness would be more than I could handle. Even though my journal during that time was labeled "My Journey to Gratefulness". I don't think I ever fully understood that praise and thankfulness in every situation is absolutely necessary to be fully at peace with God's will in your life.
So today in the car, it hit me.
I finally got it.
As I was searching for things to be grateful for and to add to my "list"-
(Which coincidentally is a whole either side effect of this trial, to constantly be thinking of things your grateful for:)
God exposed areas of my heart that I allowed fear, ungratefulness and dare I say, "blame" to take hold. Fear of not being enough. Ungrateful for anything that didn't go my way. Filled with blame for my daily struggle.
I cried from the depths of my soul in the car today.
A cry of surrender.
A cry of a heart overflowing with gratitude.
Then God gave me an amazing gift.
I remembered clearly.
Every single detail crisp as if it just happened.
The video tape rolling as Adam met our Diezel and Xia.
Xia grunting for air and Diezel wreaking of bodily fluids.
He scooped them up as I cried in fear of what was and what was to come.
And for this I'm grateful.
For all My God has done.
For the journey we have been on though incredibly hard.
All of it.

And on to my observation from day 3 of this trial.
I am much better at being grateful during the first half of the day. My thankful heart is singing of the leaves falling from the trees, the music in the car, my amazing family and even the crazy driver in front of me.....
Then by 4:30 it's like I'm reborn into pissed off momma who is out to set everyone straight.
But hey...
It's only day 3,

Not to late to join in on this amazing 30 day experiment!


Jen said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing. Heading to Kenya today. Hope I can put words to my experience as beautifully and transparent as you do.

Dani said...

Reflecting back to Liberia always leaves me feeling...thankful and amazed. I praise God for those moments that allow me to remember how incredibly big and loving He is. And I suppose most of those moments are in Africa for me. Maybe this American life is just too busy to really see Him, to really need Him that way.

Thanks for the reminder this morning:)

crispy said...

I love it when you are vulnerable. We all learn so much.

Beautiful Mess said...

Haven't cried yet-but it is coming.

Thank you for your honesty! I love it!

Kelly said...

Steph i forgot to tell you but my husband's business partner and her husband just brought home a gorgeous daughter from Ethiopia. She is 5 yrs old. I think we are going to get to meet her on Sunday. Glad you enjoyed my thankfulness journal!!