Thursday, January 17, 2008

Apology Accepted

Do you know how painful and humbling it is to get down on your knees and ask your children for forgiveness? It's hard. Not hard to humble yourself and ask for forgiveness, but painful to know you hurt them.

This whole day has been emotional and overwhelming. From the totally insignificant stuff to the life changing stuff.

Day started at midnight then 2am and again at 2:45 and kept going like that until my alarm went off at 6:45. Nothing new though, I tend to wake up a lot anyway.
I had a conversation with someone this morning that broke my heart. Her friend was adopting twins from Ethiopia and was to get them next month. Long tragic story short she not only lost her twins she will never be able to adopt from Ethiopia ever. This family has a passion for orphans and has done great things to help the people of Africa. So, after my initial disbelief my thoughts turned towards my possible referral of twins. Could they be the ones that were taken from her? I was suppose to be getting a picture sometime this afternoon so I would have to wait to find out. Then on to the big hair appointment to get my hair dyed back to blonde. After almost five hours I finally left. Am I blonde? No! It went terribly wrong. Oh well, completely insignificant- I just wanted to go home and check my email! Adam called as I was leaving the hair place.
Adam says: Did you check your email?
Me: No, I just left I have to go get the kids.
Adam says: NO! get to a computer as fast as you can.
Me: You saw them!!!!!!!
Adam says: You have to find a computer NOW!!!
Me (screaming) Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh!

Then it hit me all at once. Fear, panic, doubt, loss, pain, and grief. What should have been the most exciting ride home became one of intense crying. I can't explain it. All the emotion of Marion, Emmanuel, and D just poured out. I got home. I didn't want to look at the picture, because I knew once I opened that email my heart could face the reality of breaking all over again. Do I really want to walk down this path again? Am I strong enough to handle another loss?
I opened the email. The first thing I noticed is their birthdate. They are closer to two. Okay, so they are not the lost referral of my friend's friend. Then I look down at the picture. I glanced at it and closed my email. I went and cried some more, a lot more.
The kids came home, time to finish the 44 cupcakes, one big presentation, dinner, calm a sick fussy two year old, and stuff away my thoughts. (Thanks Stephanie for all your help). And then it happened presentation got lost (a week's worth of work) due tomorrow, big leak in Jace's room, etc.... And I lost it!!!!!!! I am not a yelling mother, sure I raise my voice, but I don't scream. I screamed at McKayley for losing her presentation, I screamed at Faith for not listening, I screamed at Jace for involving me in the leak crisis, I even slammed the door. Then I called Adam and cried some more. Even while I was crying I was so angry at myself. So, I cried harder. And after I was all cried out, I sat my kids down and one by one apologized for being a horrible example of how to act. I apologized for taking my emotions out on them. I asked each one for forgiveness. Even now, I cry. They were so gracious and hugged me and told me how much they love me.
Since then, I have stared at the twins picture. They are beautiful. The more I look all the fear, panic, doubt, loss, pain, and grief are melting away. Will these two beautiful children be mine? I don't know. I will leave behind the pain of last year and move forward with a grateful and joyful heart. I will not let Satan take hold.
I would love to share the picture with you all, but I can't. The Ethiopian government doesn't allow it until they are legally yours.


Fantastic Four said...

Amazing day girl! I am crying with you, for you, and we've all been there!!! I am happy to hear that I am not the only one! Our frustration overwhelms us and we unload on our kids...the ones we love the most! But, you ask for forgiveness, because...after all...WE ARE HUMAN TOO! There is no rule ANYWHERE that mom's are perfect, super, or above sin and mistakes! I tell Devon day after day...I am learning to be your mom every day that you are learning to be my Devon. Its hard, frustrating, and the best job I have ever had!! We are on this roller coaster together and we'll get through it together. You are going through a lot! This is definitely a big season for you!! Hang in there! Good on you for being MOM enough to apologize to your kids! It will come together for HIS glory! Sorry you had such a hard day! On the scale of eternity, it was a blink! Hang in there! God Bless!

Fantastic Four said...

I want to hear what happened with your hair...when things settle down. And when I said "We've all been there"...I certainly didn't mean in YOUR shoes, to an extent in one way or another???

Anonymous said...

WOW! I know that pain of loss all too well. It is so hard to let your heart feel and get attached after so many losses. I am praying that God will fill your heart with peace about these two little ones. And even if you can't get excited yet, I am excited for you!!!!!

Brandi said...

oh yes, these days. .we know them well. Especially when your hubby's been out of town and you've been "going it alone" for a bit with the kids. It's so easy to slip over the edge.. but, what a wonderful chance to share pieces of the gospel story with your kids. They wouldn't be able to understand confession and restoration as well if they didn't see it acted out!

Love you,

Lisa said...

I know that feeling of when you are going to "blow". I understand the anger at yourself and the guilt at being the mom you don't want to be. However,His grace is sufficient! His mercies and forgiveness are new every morning....Hallelujah! And yes, what a great way for your children to again see, you aren't perfect, just trying to do your best, just like them.
You have been on emotional overload for so long and those doubts and fears have a way of pushing you over the edge. Forgive yourself, you are a GREAT mom! And keep holding on to HIM. This new adventure might be the best one yet! :)
Holding you up in prayer,

emily said...

Ok sister, we have ALL been there! You are human, you have a few things going on right now and your kids got to see how to handle a situation that you don't handle exactly the way that you would like to--- they have a wonderful mama!!

Praying for you right now, for those precious twins. Can't wait to get more details on them- boys or girls, one of each......

Enjoy all that He has for you today!! Would also like to hear how the hair went wrong when you feel up to writing a lighter post:)

Laura said...

I love it when I have to let my kids know how sorry I am...not really, but it lets them know that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes all the time. I want them to know that it is not easy to say we're sorry--that I don't expect it to be easy for them either. You are a rock solid mother who inspires me to be better than I am even on my good days. Please do not beat yourself up. I love you Steffany Boster! You and your family are truly one of God's greatest gifts to me. xoxoxoxox

stephanie said...

"weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" -psalm 30:5
and it definitly did.

Kim and Gary said...

did the same thing the other night as well. it just all piled up. it is a lot.


HollyAnn said...

Wow!!! I haven't bee able to keep up with blogs this week! What amazing news!!!!! I am so excited! Please keep us posted! So what is the time line?????

Emily said...

Oh man can I relate!!!! I am so sorry, but give yourself a break you are human! And God is bigger then all these disappontments. I hope your week gets better, you are an amazing woman.

Emily said...

Oh man can I relate!!!! I am so sorry, but give yourself a break you are human! And God is bigger then all these disappontments. I hope your week gets better, you are an amazing woman.

amber said...

First of all -- wonderful news about the twins! I am really excited for you. I can't wait to see pictures of course! :)

Secondly, Thanks for sharing about your day -- it makes the rest of us feel normal, too. We newbie moms appreciate it when veteran moms share that they have "days like that" too! Ha!

I hope it's a while before another such day for you (or for me, for that matter!) :)