Do you know how painful and humbling it is to get down on your knees and ask your children for forgiveness? It's hard. Not hard to humble yourself and ask for forgiveness, but painful to know you hurt them.
This whole day has been emotional and overwhelming. From the totally insignificant stuff to the life changing stuff.
Day started at midnight then 2am and again at 2:45 and kept going like that until my alarm went off at 6:45. Nothing new though, I tend to wake up a lot anyway.
I had a conversation with someone this morning that broke my heart. Her friend was adopting twins from Ethiopia and was to get them next month. Long tragic story short she not only lost her twins she will never be able to adopt from Ethiopia ever. This family has a passion for orphans and has done great things to help the people of Africa. So, after my initial disbelief my thoughts turned towards my possible referral of twins. Could they be the ones that were taken from her? I was suppose to be getting a picture sometime this afternoon so I would have to wait to find out. Then on to the big hair appointment to get my hair dyed back to blonde. After almost five hours I finally left. Am I blonde? No! It went terribly wrong. Oh well, completely insignificant- I just wanted to go home and check my email! Adam called as I was leaving the hair place.
Adam says: Did you check your email?
Me: No, I just left I have to go get the kids.
Adam says: NO! get to a computer as fast as you can.
Me: You saw them!!!!!!!
Adam says: You have to find a computer NOW!!!
Me (screaming) Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh!
Then it hit me all at once. Fear, panic, doubt, loss, pain, and grief. What should have been the most exciting ride home became one of intense crying. I can't explain it. All the emotion of Marion, Emmanuel, and D just poured out. I got home. I didn't want to look at the picture, because I knew once I opened that email my heart could face the reality of breaking all over again. Do I really want to walk down this path again? Am I strong enough to handle another loss?
I opened the email. The first thing I noticed is their birthdate. They are closer to two. Okay, so they are not the lost referral of my friend's friend. Then I look down at the picture. I glanced at it and closed my email. I went and cried some more, a lot more.
The kids came home, time to finish the 44 cupcakes, one big presentation, dinner, calm a sick fussy two year old, and stuff away my thoughts. (Thanks Stephanie for all your help). And then it happened presentation got lost (a week's worth of work) due tomorrow, big leak in Jace's room, etc.... And I lost it!!!!!!! I am not a yelling mother, sure I raise my voice, but I don't scream. I screamed at McKayley for losing her presentation, I screamed at Faith for not listening, I screamed at Jace for involving me in the leak crisis, I even slammed the door. Then I called Adam and cried some more. Even while I was crying I was so angry at myself. So, I cried harder. And after I was all cried out, I sat my kids down and one by one apologized for being a horrible example of how to act. I apologized for taking my emotions out on them. I asked each one for forgiveness. Even now, I cry. They were so gracious and hugged me and told me how much they love me.
Since then, I have stared at the twins picture. They are beautiful. The more I look all the fear, panic, doubt, loss, pain, and grief are melting away. Will these two beautiful children be mine? I don't know. I will leave behind the pain of last year and move forward with a grateful and joyful heart. I will not let Satan take hold.
I would love to share the picture with you all, but I can't. The Ethiopian government doesn't allow it until they are legally yours.