Going Against My Nature

The last thing I should be doing is blogging right now. I'm getting ready to lead my org's first trip on our own to Ethiopia. As pretty much a one/two woman show...I had no idea what it would take to pull off a trip like this. Not only is this our first official BEMM trip where are main goal was to establish relationships in various villages, clinics and women's homes,document it all then bring back the stories of a few dozen mommas to get our mother sponsorship program running....this is also my first time organizing a trip. Every single plan I made over the last few months either got canceled, rearranged or waited until 72 hours before our trip to confirm. If it was just me...no problem. I love the moment, living in the moment and going with the moment....I have no such luxury. God has grown me, stretched me and left me completely in tears. I feel so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed at moments. This trip is beyond anything I had ever planned in my limited understanding. There will be 4 women traveling and we will have 3 Ethiopian "guides". I have never been to the places we are going. Some of the details of the trip just came together or are still coming together. Many of you know that less than 2 weeks ago I heard a "friend/stranger" was given 6 months to live. I read her blog and memorized her "list" of what she wanted to do before then. Without thought I contacted her and she is coming with us to Africa( thanks to many of you) and we will cross off several things of her list. At first I was so caught up in the moment and how freaking awesome to be a part of this....then it hit me...the reality. The tragedy. During this whole process I went from a "moment type girl" to a " make and follow a plan type girl" who is responsible for many people. The moment part of me is freaking excited and humbled to be on this journey not only with the "friend/stranger", the other 2 amazing women,to be blessed enough to meet and get to know the mommas in Ethiopia, to provide Alex and Gadese with a job and see the people I love....Then this other part of me that has had to step up to the plate is the planner, the preparer, the overthinker.

I am terrified, heartbroken, feeling rather wrong for the job at hand, and just very sad. To live in the moment and share my "friend/stranger's" bucket list with her is BEAUTIFUL, INSPIRING and AMAZING. To not live in the moment and to think about the future is tearing me apart. To live in the moment of meeting the women that come across our path and the relationships we create is MOTIVATING, ENCOURAGING and LIFE-CHANGING, but then to think about that 1 in 11 of them will die due to pregnancy related causes and that some of the mommas we meet will be that statistic when we return in Oct...

I feel I have the heart for this. I know I have the courage.....maybe that's what scares me...to love so fiercely that living in the moment collides with a heart filled with hope and faith and it crashes with a reality that hurts and I don't understand, but surrender it at the cross and to keep going when I feel so unworthy of what I am called to....

All of this is against my nature...that just wants to soak in the sun or rain and watch the world drift by