Friday, October 29, 2010

The Moon, the Stars and Everything

I have no idea why planning for this trip to Ethiopia seems so much more stressful. Last time I went I had a day notice to pack and leave to go meet my sick twins. I had never been to Africa, Adam was gone and I was traveling alone. I guess it's because (forgive me I process the obvious while I type) only thought was..get to my babies as fast as I can.
This time I have a lot more tension and anxiety built up. I'm not racing there to make sure my babies will survive, Adam is gone will be home this time, I will not be alone (I have a few amazing ladies going with me), I have been there before, I know He wants me there...So, why on earth am I so stressed?
Maybe because I spent a year of my life sick after my last visit? Nope. I know I will be fine.
I think I just feel scattered. This time I have so many reasons for going. Last time I only had 2 reasons -Diezel and Xia-
I'm going with doma, the amazing organization I have been busting tail to fund raise for. This has involved 9 months of planning and working hard. I have never remained this focused outside of my marriage and family ever! God has grown me so much over this time. It's weird-even though I feel more distant from HIM than I ever have ...He has used this time in my life to stretch, grow and be productive for HIM. This past few years I have walked more in faith than ever. It's like HE leads me to where I need to go...then says "GO". So therefore, I go. I work. I plant. In faith...I bury my head and plow.
I'm also going to see Gedese and her family. My heart has longed for them since I said, "Goodbye" almost 2 years ago. I want to spend every moment with them, but will only have a few precious hours. I want to hold Christiana like I did when she was a baby, because in my heart it was just yesterday that I rocked her to sleep. Yet, she is 2 now and will most likely be afraid of me. I want to bring tons of gifts and pack my whole house up for them and lay it at her their feet. I love them.
The twins parents are traveling many miles to spend time with me. I think this is where my burden maybe. I want to give the the moon, the stars, anything and everything. How on earth can I begin to express my gratitude. I have so many mixed emotions regarding the twins adoption. Guilt being a main one. Even though I sat down with them last time and heard their reasons for leaving the twins at the orphanage...I can't help but to feel guilty. If more programs were in place to help families stay together, was my agency ethical in placing the twins, even though we offered to help the family stay together-did they really get that offer or was it a lie, what were they told (we were asked to give them money by our agency director while we were in the same room with them), did my desire to adopt fuel the insatiable greed of people wanting to make money from the business of adoption, but really-When I sit down with them again..and I see them, really see them and listen to them, really listen to them and want to give them the moon, but I legally can't do anything for them, but tell them...I really do love their/our children and will give their/our children all that I have..I guess I need to realize that in itself is giving them the moon.
So maybe that's it..I just want to give more, be more, feel more, do more. I want to give what it is I don't have..the moon, the stars and everything. Maybe that's my lesson. I can't fill the one need people have...It's GOD. HE is the one thing that satisfies. I can't give GOD or be GOD, but I can serve GOD. And in serving GOD their is no guilt. He is the moon, the stars and everything.


Jaime And Drew said...

Come as you are....he doesn't need anything you have but yourself, your willingness to love what he loves, to go where he went, to give as he gave. I love your heart and am so glad you are returning to Ethiopia!! Take in a DEEP BREATH for me!!! Oh how I love that country!!!

Paula said...

Oh, Steffany, we have so many feelings in common regarding our adoptions! I can't wait to talk about some of this because you are one person I know who really GETS IT.

My visit with my twins' birth mother looks like it might be falling through. :(