Sunday, October 24, 2010

Big Rocks

This past week was insanely difficult. Maybe, it's the pre-Africa jitters or more than likely it's the culmination of the past three years of self inflicted stress. Adam is gone again to LA to finish up the film. I leave in a week for Africa. I have often joked about the craziness of our life. Having a massive photo business with 50+ employees, making a feature film, opening a paintball business, buying land to run not only the renfaire on, but multiple festivals, trying to run a skate ministry, adopting 2 very sick kids from Africa, bringing home a sick pregnant woman home to care for, starting a non-profit, blah, blah, blah... Yes, these are ALL great things and yes, by doing them..I believe we are doing what He is calling us to do. But HE also calls us to personal time with HIM, sowing into our children(not just by example, but time), enjoying today and not planning for tomorrow. The thing is He did plant all these visions in our hearts and He did equip us to accomplish them...It just doesn't all have to be at once. I also believe life is not suppose to be in perfect balance..there are seasons. I think Adam and I are just trying to extend the harvest season beyond where it was intended. In all honesty, I have so much resentment built up in my heart because of this. I have been screaming, "uncle" for so many years, only I have done it in a way that was a counterproductive. I play the martyr really well in my marriage. Why am I sharing all this? Well, you know me...I never really hold back...but more importantly, I ask for prayer. I found myself at the beginning of this week pushed beyond my limit, beyond where I could even hold on. I found myself questioning not only myself, but my marriage and who my man was to me today..not yesterday, or last year, or 16 years ago, but at this moment. I felt more distant, and disconnected from the man I love than I ever have. It was scary, nasty and devastating. Over 16 years of disappointments and heartaches and loneliness poured out of me...Needless to say..It was a hard week. I have come out of it more determined than ever that God knew what He was doing when Adam and I fell in love and even though HE called us to so many things..Adam and I need to learn to put the big rocks in first. We both jump into everything 100% and give all that we have...For him it's been work and business (Proverbs 24:27) for the past 16 years and for me (Titus 2:4-5). When I get back from Africa things are going to change. Our focus will be where it needs to be..Our relationship with God, our relationship with each other and caring for our babies will be our big rocks..
I am excited to begin our new life together in 3 weeks.


Jenny said...

Don't bring home a pregant, sick woman this time! :)

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Leah Dooley said...