Wonderfully Terrified

In less than 3 weeks I leave for Ethiopia and I am wonderfully terrified. It has been 2.5 years since I first landed on the other side of the world by myself, scared, exhausted and completely submitted in heart, mind, and spirit. From the moment I walked out of the airport, looked all around me and took a deep breath...I knew from the depths of my being-I was home and I would be back. Never in my wildest dreams could I have planned what happened next. From my twins who at times we wondered if they would survive, bringing a sick and pregnant Ethiopian woman home with me for a year, being sick for the majority of a year with typhoid fever, hep A, tissue parasites, meeting our twins parents, seeing such beauty in the midst of absolute devastation, helping people take what may have been their last drink, worshiping God in way I never imagined, and feeling so alive yet, utterly broken all at the same time. It has taken me over 2 years to "recover" from my last trip. I know that sounds absurd. Just saying it makes me feel dramatic and slightly stupid. I have had to cancel 2 trip to Africa in the last 2 years due to health issues or timing. I do know that THIS is the right time and I do feel good, but I am still wonderfully terrified. This time, I will not be bringing home dying children, nor in all likelihood a sick pregnant momma. I also chose to vaccinate this time. The chances of spending the next year of my life incredibly sick is pretty low...I will get to see Gedese and her family (the sick pregnant Ethiopian lady), I will also spend some time with my twins parents. This time we will be traveling out of Addis to work on establishing a womens health center in a remote village. I think I am wonderfully terrified because...I don't know what will happen... just like last time, I went exhausted, scared, but completely submitted in heart, mind and spirit and it's humbling to look back and see what He has done in my life and in the life of others. What will He show me this time? How will I respond? And how will I be able to once again leave a place that I feel is my home, to come back to where I am now and just WAIT and patiently count down the days until I can go back again..to look around, smell the air, and feel that freedom that I felt 2.5 years ago...Yes, I am wonderfully terrified.