Saturday, August 21, 2010

Undeniable Grief...

It's so true that grief hits you in unpredictable waves. I am finding myself this Saturday night in tears...crying uncontrollably. I miss my sister. I feel so stupid. It has been 3 years since she died. I didn't even cry when I found out. No, I just sat there..knowing and justifying. I didn't even cry when I saw her body. Yes, I cried when I spoke at her funeral. I didn't cry when after a year her ashes were finally laid to rest. No, I find myself crying at the most inconvenient and unpredictable times. At the check out in the grocery store, driving down the road, on the way to an airport, a night like tonight...I cry during the every day stuff. It is in the mundane I think of her. It is this time of night that I would call her or she would be calling me (Saturday night) asking for a ride to church and me halfheartedly agreeing, but in the back of mind wishing she would just find her own way there...I cry in the store when I see El Pato sauce...oh, how many times did she call and ask for me to buy this for her...I cry just driving down the road. I think about all the times she needed a ride and I said, "No". I cry when I hear a woman was abused..it reminds me of sitting in the hospital holding her hand and not understanding why she kept choosing unhealthy relationships. Right now though, at this very moment...I am simply crying because I miss her so much and I need my big sister

6 comments:

Kari said...

Grief doesn't have a beginning or an end. Praying for you tonight to feel God's love and peace pour over your heart. Big Hugs!!!! :)

Ginny said...

Steffany, I completely understand. I feel like I am always crying while I drive lately and my kids just sort of look at me funny. Grief is so strange the way it comes and goes in waves.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

Did your sister suffer from domestic violence? If so, I just want you to know that I am here and will be if you ever need to talk.

Love,

Amber Galloway

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can sympathize with your grief. God bless you in your time of sorrow.

Paula said...

I have a good friend who was killed in a car accident nine years ago, leaving behind a six year old daughter, a nine year old son and a distraught husband. Sometimes I just think of her out of the blue and tears choke me. Just last week, Anna went to visit her friend Abbey in Michigan, my friend's daughter. Seeing a picture of the two of them on Facebook, still besties all these years later and all these miles apart, I just couldn't help but think how pleased my friend would be. And I cried and cried, and I'm crying now.

Wendy said...

Oh Steff, I am sending you a great big hug! I cannot even imagine existing in a world where my sister doesn't. My sister and I's relationship is very different than the relationship you had with your sister, but that sister thing....how can you describe it?! Grief is unpredictable, and a roller coaster. Just know that you have many people who love you and your beautiful heart and soul! Feel your grief tonight so that in the morning you may have a new start and a brighter day!