Undeniable Grief...

It's so true that grief hits you in unpredictable waves. I am finding myself this Saturday night in tears...crying uncontrollably. I miss my sister. I feel so stupid. It has been 3 years since she died. I didn't even cry when I found out. No, I just sat there..knowing and justifying. I didn't even cry when I saw her body. Yes, I cried when I spoke at her funeral. I didn't cry when after a year her ashes were finally laid to rest. No, I find myself crying at the most inconvenient and unpredictable times. At the check out in the grocery store, driving down the road, on the way to an airport, a night like tonight...I cry during the every day stuff. It is in the mundane I think of her. It is this time of night that I would call her or she would be calling me (Saturday night) asking for a ride to church and me halfheartedly agreeing, but in the back of mind wishing she would just find her own way there...I cry in the store when I see El Pato sauce...oh, how many times did she call and ask for me to buy this for her...I cry just driving down the road. I think about all the times she needed a ride and I said, "No". I cry when I hear a woman was abused..it reminds me of sitting in the hospital holding her hand and not understanding why she kept choosing unhealthy relationships. Right now though, at this very moment...I am simply crying because I miss her so much and I need my big sister