Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Gift of Happiness and Sadness
I have eluded somewhat to my past on this blog. It was crazy for sure. In all that happened when I was younger the biggest and only regret was anything significant from my childhood was believed destroyed or stolen. I have spoken briefly about my older sister. She died a few years ago. The only thing I had were a couple of photos and my vague memories....until two days ago. My mom found a shoebox filled with pictures. I have spent the last few days staring at faces that I barely recognize. Two young blonde headed sisters seeming completely carefree. One picture is my sister pushing me (I'm probably 6) in a swing. This one...out of the 50 that was recovered really affected me. Inspite of all the heartache we endured and all the insane fights we got into...we were still sisters. Through abuse, addictions, mental illness and hardships...we were still sisters. The picture I saw of her pushing me, erased everything. I only saw two sisters. I am filled with sadness and happiness all at once. I am happy my mom found these pictures. I am sad my mom spends years of her life in bed and disconnected because of regrets. I am happy for the times that once seemed so insignificant (like my sister pushing me on a swing). I am sad that those times are also filled with hurt. I am happy that so much of what I thought was gone..ie pictures and such are found. I am sad that by finding these pictures my mom is filled with pain and regret. My childhood was rough. My life was rough. My sister suffered. We all suffered. Yet, in the suffering...there was beauty. Maybe a moment where a dysfunctional family was caught all together smiling, a sick mother pinning the corsage on her 16 year old daughter, an old wedding photo where two people were caught on film in love before all the infidelity, a photo of a mom sitting on her bed where she spent a year of her life after a brutal rape, a photo of an empty souled girl at prom before she got arrested for a felony, or a picture of two sisters who typically fought almost to the point of death, but instead were captured on film happily swinging. We all have our issues. Stuff hurts. Our past can leave a mark.....but there are moments...the ones in between the heartache that should stick. No matter how tragic the years can seem....there is beauty in the cracks. And if you can capture that.....What A gift indeed. Even though a little shoebox reminded me of so much I wanted to leave behind...It also reminded me of what I needed to remember.