AARGHHH! Torn.

I'm struggling here. I feel torn and wiped. Adam is gone. I'm exhausted. I start to cry every time I take a moment to stop. I am so sorry about the vagueness of the last post. I only had a few minutes to ask for prayer. I realize so many of you are wondering what is going on.

1. Christiana's facial structure continues to reshape. Every time I see her, I marvel at what God has done. When we went into the c-section the intensity was high. Everyone knew something wasn't right. I was by Gedese the whole time. I never left her side from the time her water broke until Christiana was born. It was such a privilege to be with her. I love her more than anyone could ever imagine. I watched as the incision was made. Gedese was shaking all over. I held her. Then I saw Christiana pulled from her womb. My first thought was, "Dear God, No!" They quickly took her. I was torn, do I stay by Gedese's side or see Christiana. Gedese cried, "Steff, what's wrong? Please see my baby". When I saw her I wanted to scream so badly. My whole body wanted to cry out. I kept telling myself stay strong! Be here for both of them. They immediately went to work on Christiana. She wasn't breathing. Time stood still. I watched them, I watched Christiana in disbelief. Lord, she came here to have a healthy baby. Then I found out, no she came here to live. Her doctor looked at me and said I did a great thing. They would both be dead if they were still at home in Africa. "Me?" no, not me. It was God! I wanted to cry more. This woman, this baby that I love so very much, a stranger until 7 months ago living on the other side of the world, would have died?! Bittersweet reality. When I look at Christiana today, there is no doubt in my mind that God's hand is on her.
2. Gedese has spoken with Alex. I took the laptop to the hospital, so she can call him through skype. I know this is incredibly hard on him. He is praising God that his wife and baby are alive. As far as getting him here. We tried for 7 months and even hired an immigration attorney. When I finally realized it was not a possibility my heart broke. But trust me when I tell you, I will find a way to move this family here. When I take Gedese and Christiana back to Ethiopia in March, I am trusting the Lord that it's temporary.
3. Gedese is with Christiana now. She is able to stay with her. She is fighting an unidentified infection. It started at her umbilical cord and is spreading quickly. They are watching her and running tests. I have faith she will be fine and coming home in the next couple of days. I think they are taking extra precautions given her start in life she had.
4. Gedese is simply worn out. Given everything she has gone through her emotions as are mine are high. She hasn't slept much. After her c-section at 12:30pm on Sunday, I stayed with her until night. When I came back the next morning she was in incredible pain. She told me she was fine. When I asked the nurse when she got pain meds last, she told me Gedese has refused all pain meds. After talking with Gedese I found out she didn't want me to have to pay for them. Bless her heart! I quickly fixed that and had them give her something every 6 hours.

I want so badly to be there with her every moment. With Adam being gone, I just can't. She trusts me and counts on me to be her voice and when I'm not there, I feel like I'm failing her. When I'm not at home I feel like I'm failing my kids. So from morning till night I'm running back and forth in between the two worlds. Torn.

Yesterday, I fell asleep at the foot of Gedese's bed holding Christiana. Gedese took a picture of us. I just want to freeze this moment.