Wednesday, November 5, 2008

AARGHHH! Torn.

I'm struggling here. I feel torn and wiped. Adam is gone. I'm exhausted. I start to cry every time I take a moment to stop. I am so sorry about the vagueness of the last post. I only had a few minutes to ask for prayer. I realize so many of you are wondering what is going on.

1. Christiana's facial structure continues to reshape. Every time I see her, I marvel at what God has done. When we went into the c-section the intensity was high. Everyone knew something wasn't right. I was by Gedese the whole time. I never left her side from the time her water broke until Christiana was born. It was such a privilege to be with her. I love her more than anyone could ever imagine. I watched as the incision was made. Gedese was shaking all over. I held her. Then I saw Christiana pulled from her womb. My first thought was, "Dear God, No!" They quickly took her. I was torn, do I stay by Gedese's side or see Christiana. Gedese cried, "Steff, what's wrong? Please see my baby". When I saw her I wanted to scream so badly. My whole body wanted to cry out. I kept telling myself stay strong! Be here for both of them. They immediately went to work on Christiana. She wasn't breathing. Time stood still. I watched them, I watched Christiana in disbelief. Lord, she came here to have a healthy baby. Then I found out, no she came here to live. Her doctor looked at me and said I did a great thing. They would both be dead if they were still at home in Africa. "Me?" no, not me. It was God! I wanted to cry more. This woman, this baby that I love so very much, a stranger until 7 months ago living on the other side of the world, would have died?! Bittersweet reality. When I look at Christiana today, there is no doubt in my mind that God's hand is on her.
2. Gedese has spoken with Alex. I took the laptop to the hospital, so she can call him through skype. I know this is incredibly hard on him. He is praising God that his wife and baby are alive. As far as getting him here. We tried for 7 months and even hired an immigration attorney. When I finally realized it was not a possibility my heart broke. But trust me when I tell you, I will find a way to move this family here. When I take Gedese and Christiana back to Ethiopia in March, I am trusting the Lord that it's temporary.
3. Gedese is with Christiana now. She is able to stay with her. She is fighting an unidentified infection. It started at her umbilical cord and is spreading quickly. They are watching her and running tests. I have faith she will be fine and coming home in the next couple of days. I think they are taking extra precautions given her start in life she had.
4. Gedese is simply worn out. Given everything she has gone through her emotions as are mine are high. She hasn't slept much. After her c-section at 12:30pm on Sunday, I stayed with her until night. When I came back the next morning she was in incredible pain. She told me she was fine. When I asked the nurse when she got pain meds last, she told me Gedese has refused all pain meds. After talking with Gedese I found out she didn't want me to have to pay for them. Bless her heart! I quickly fixed that and had them give her something every 6 hours.

I want so badly to be there with her every moment. With Adam being gone, I just can't. She trusts me and counts on me to be her voice and when I'm not there, I feel like I'm failing her. When I'm not at home I feel like I'm failing my kids. So from morning till night I'm running back and forth in between the two worlds. Torn.


Yesterday, I fell asleep at the foot of Gedese's bed holding Christiana. Gedese took a picture of us. I just want to freeze this moment.

15 comments:

Robbin said...

God bless this sweet little baby!


Robbin

Ali said...

We'll keep praying! What a beautiful picture. There is already such a drastic difference in her face from the last photo to this photo. Praise God that they are both alive and okay! It is so easy to forget how fortunate we are to have such good medical care. Don't feel guilty right now. God will use you as He sees fit and it is only temporary that you're going back and forth. I'm glad you fit a little sleep in :)

Amy said...

I know how tired you must be. THANK YOU for taking the time to update us.
Christiana is SO BEAUTIFUL! There is absolutely no sign in this photo of any of the trauma she went through. Gorgeous baby girl.
What an amazing story, what amazing people, what an amazing God. :)
I am so looking forward to reading that Gadese and Christiana have come home.
Thank you, love to you all, and God bless you. :)

Erica said...

Praying for you. Gadese, and beautiful little Christiana.

Anonymous said...

I love it! Thanks for the post. I am praying all day for both of you. Christiana Is looking much better.Oh how I wish I was there to share the responsibility with you. you are so blessed to be a part of this miracle.Wow would you have ever thought that it would all turn out this way. I quess everything we went through in Ethiopia was so worth meeting Alex and Gedese.May God pour out His peace and strengh on you. I am so proud of you Helen!! Love ya, Sandra

crispy said...

Tears are flowing this morning. I am in awe of how the Holy Spirit works to weave the body of Christ together.

Thanks for the update. And what a beautiful picture. Praying that you are strengthened and encouraged. Praying that Gadese heals quickly and her body recovers from the section. Praying that God's mighty hand stays on that precious child and sustains her.

Lory Howlett said...

Praying help and healing and blessing on you all. God will give you the wisdom and strength and time to complete this holy assignment! The photograph is absolutely beautiful.

"The One who calls you is faithful and HE WILL DO IT." 1 Thes. 5:24

Kami said...

You are doing such an amazing thing and you will get through this. Your family and Gadese all know how much you love them and how hard you are trying. Even though you feel like you are neglecting the kids a little - the example that you are setting for them will have so much more of an impact than the time that you need to be away from them. Please take care of yourself too - you can't help anyone if you aren't doing well! I wish I were there to help you guys. Christiana is absolutely gorgeous! Sending my love - Kami

Kelly said...

Oh Lord, she is beautiful. She looks perfect. Give them both a big hug for me. I wish I was there to help you.

Paula said...

Your post and beautiful picture gave me some much needed perspective today. You are doing wonderful things. Prayers for Gadese and sweet baby Christiana.

Leah Dooley said...

She really does look so much better!! I mean she looks completely normal and perfect. I hope the infection is nearing the end and she will be home soon! That'll be so wonderful!

Jen said...

Beth Moore says that nothing can touch us that hasn't first been filtered by the sovereign hands of God. What an experience. What a gorgeous life. What a story tell. Praying...

Andrea said...

Praying for you hang in there~

Bergmama said...

I haven't checked in for a week or so - I missed lots of news! I will be praying for all of you, and please tell Gadese "congratulations" for me. and Christiana is so incredbily beautiful.

Wife to the Rockstar said...

Precious precious photo.