Friday, September 11, 2009

I'm a Poser or Other Wise Known as a Fake.

I feel like I have been in constant "regroup" mode or if I'm feeling righteous I might call it, "waiting upon the Lord". So here I am either gearing up or waiting. Let's just call it for what it is...apathetic, posing, living a lie or
Revelation 3:16 say's "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

That's me. I cry for orphans, but yet do nothing.
I talk about Mother's health in Uganda, but yet I do nothing.
I say," I'm still adjusting to being a mother of six", but yet ignore the reality that life is what it is and "adjusting" is an excuse I readily use.
I recruit people to write a book with me, but yet lack the capacity to bring it together.
God has placed famous authors in my lap to help, but I feel inadequate to call upon them. I'm either too busy. Too tired or too sick to reach out.

I admire or more honestly feel jealous when the women I know step out in faith and accomplish great things. I silently think, "if only..." The two most deadly words one can think.
I groan. I moan. I complain. I justify.

Where did I go? I have friends tell me, "you're different".

I am.
I am a fake.
I am a poser.
I am broken.
I try to fix myself.
I use band aids and tape.
Nothing can repair what only God can fill.

I am nothing.

HE is everything.
He is real.
He is authentic.
He fixes.
He can heal.

I can often get caught up in, "I'm waiting on the Lord's direction."
Am I?

For what?
Serve the man laying in the road down the street?
The single pregnant teenager at my son's school?
The mother on welfare in front of me at the grocery store with her cigarettes, hot dogs, children in dirty diapers with a declined credit card?
The alcoholic with a swollen belly irritated at the gas station?
The blogs I read of families wanting to adopt and pleading for $1.00 to help with the costs?

Sometimes I find myself getting so caught up in, "God's work" you know the" important stuff".
I forget about smiling at the cashier.
Helping someone fix a tire.
Serving my family.

I think sometimes the world, the media, magazines, blogs, facebook, friends, ourselves
give us a false idol. The great poser idol. The idol that we all worship, that tells us...We are not enough. We need more. We have to save the world. We have to be Oprah. We have to have an organization. Make a difference in thousands of lives.
I forget or am blinded to what God has called me to today.

I don't know what He has in my future. I do know I will always fall short. I will always be a poser.


Lory Howlett said...

By definition, we all fall short. For, "It is by grace we have been saved, not by works, so that no 'woman' can boast!" I think you are too hard on yourself. What you do every day, day in and day out, matters a lot to a certain 6 kids and husband, I'm sure.

Especially as women, I believe we can "do it all"--just not all at the same time, all at once! This is why there are spiritual seasons in our lives. Perhaps this is your season to pour into your family? Perhaps the Enemy is whispering in your ear: "You are a loser, you are a poser, you'll always fall short." Well, you don't have to listen to the enemy. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you about something, He will do it very specifically: "Write that book. Get up off that couch," or whatever.

The Holy Spirit does not throw blanket accusations in our face. Only the enemy, the accuser, does that to us. But "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Satan condemns; the Holy Spirit convicts. Don't fall for his condemnation! This is one of his tricks that tends to work really well on me....and it sounds like on you, too?

Perhaps God is allowing you to experience this current dry season in preparation for your next great adventure with Him? Perhaps He actually wants you to rest, peacefully, with Him, and process and ponder the last couple of years of your life? I have had YEARS when I thought I was wasting away, not accomplishing much of anything for Him. He moved again in my life when HE was ready. Besides, it is Biblical for fertile ground to lie fallow for a season so it can bear very good fruit when it is sown again.

Finally, how are you doing in terms of seeking Him in His Word? The #1 way to draw close to God, to hear Him, to know Him, is to find Him in His Word (an area where I too frequently fall short myself.)

God loves you very much! You warm His heart! You warm mine, too.

jody said...

i appreciated this so very much.
been there so many, many days.
and this was a beautiful challenge.
not allowing myself to get too busy I forget to "smile at the cashier."
I watched you in action for a couple days and you do above better than anyone I know.
certainly challenged me.
thank you.

Chris and Jess said...

I found your blog awhile ago, maybe even a year ago, and I read each and every post about Gedese, and how you took her into your home and made her family. You are not a poser. You are living the Word. You may want to do more, be more, give more, but you must know your love and faith in God has changed lives- and that is pretty cool! I wonder, if I come back to this blog, same time, next year- what amazing things you will have done!

Anonymous said...

Mom. You know you mess up, and you know you can do better. That's true. You say you are a Fake and that's what you'll always be. But God dosen't give us anything we can't handle.

Lindsey said...

Hang in there! I feel that way too. I think we all do sometimes. Just lean on Him and follow His lead, you can't do anything but with him working through you...only He knows! :)

Emily said...

Nothing great to say, other then this post brought tears to my eyes! I have often felt the same exact way and your like a hero to me :) So its nice to know that I am not alone even those I see greater then me feel weak sometimes too.

Candace said...

I don't even know what to say! It seems like you're being so hard on yourself. God didn't put a gazillion people on this earth so that 1 single person could change the world! We all have our own jobs and as women, we all take on so much! I think you are AMAZING and you never stop! I think you are beautiful and above all...GENUINE!

Jen said...

I agree alot with Lory.

There are times in my life where I have to remind myself of the quote by Mother Theresa. "We cannot all do great things, but we can all do small things with great love."

Some seasons I am called to do great big things and other times, just to love simply those around me.

Brandi said...

Seems to me. . .saying you're fake is the least fake thing I've ever seen. If there's anything I think you are NOT it's fake.

I love you friend. . I would love to finally catch up. What's your day like tomorrow? I have a 12 hour drive!!!! I could use a 2 hour convo with you!


Dani said...

That was raw, honest, and powerful...

I feel so much like that most days...and then I just pray that God would just do a work in that I can do His work.

It seems there is so much, yet as we do our part, I suppose we can inspire others as well.

You inspire others, just by being what the Lord made you.

Many blessings to you and your family!

Your sis in Christ.

Melissa said...

Aww Steffany :) I can tell you that you are definitely NOT alone in feeling this way. You put into words some of what I've been feeling lately.

I also really liked what Lory said and think it is so true. Perhaps this is a time for you to just rest in Him. I know I've been blessed by what you have to share countless numbers of times! Love and hugs :)

Leah Dooley said...

All I will say is that I love you and will get off this computer right now and lift you up in prayer.

Anonymous said...

Could have written this myself. Did you read my mind?