Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Bad Mother

It's not the best feeling to come to the realization that your not the best mother. Driving down the road this morning it hit me like a huge weight in the gut. I feel it. I know it. I believe it. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself?

But I'm not.

Lately my heart hasn't been in the right place, my priorities are skewed. My days are filled with managing, getting by, being a referee, and then crawling into bed. I live for nap times and long for bedtime for the kids. I'm frustrated more than not and sometimes just downright resentful and angry.

People say it's a, "phase" all "good mothers experience this".

But I strive to be more. I am not satisfied or comforted by those thoughts. If I just dismiss it, I can't overcome. I can't be more. I would have no motivation to change.
And it starts with priorities.


Then where's my heart? Do my priorities require a heart of management? A heart of getting by? A heart filled with defeat in the morning?

I should be investing my time, teaching my children, encouraged, filled with cheer, thankful for the moments I have and abundant with love. When I'm "forced" to stop what I'm doing ie.(.laundry, research about pregnant women in Uganda, having that "important" conversation about ending poverty in Africa, cooking dinner, facebooking) because of another sibling fight, request, or bathroom emergency- I need to willingly and with great anticipation focus on the true priorities- My children. Their hearts. Guiding them in love. But before I even begin with all the other stuff... Have I ran to God yet this morning? This moment? Right now? Is He just another thing I need to "manage" or is He my reason for getting up. And what about Adam? How's my attitude towards him, what are my words, my actions showing my children. That I love him? Adore him? Respect him?

So here I am. Feeling. Knowing. Believing. I can be a better mother.


amy smith said...

and succeeding.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this. I've been feeling the same lately. Thank you for spelling it out for me.


Anonymous said...

Oh Prais God Steff! I have so gone throught this this last month. I have for the most part given up computer and Relized that I so have a heart for missions but nowis not the time. May God bless you for your honesty and give you peace to let go of the other stuff for right now.I love you my sister, Jenny

Leah Dooley said...

I've been feeling the EXACT same way lately. In fact, I just read a chapter in The Power of Praying Wife book and it was about priorities. It convicted me more about what I am currently feeling. It seems all too hard to make myself stop & have a moment with Annerson during the day. That's where I'm really struggling. I spend lots of time with her but it's not always quality time. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of this stupid computer b/c it is such a distraction for me. Even though I don't believe in having tv, I might as well b/c this computer is pretty darn close in my opinion. And if it's not the comp then it's dishes & laundry (thanks to you I'm a laundry nazi!). I can't imagine where you're at though with so many children. I just can't.

I need to be a better mom, too. I'm not going to try to make you feel better or tell you that you aren't a good mom b/c I know that's not what you are looking for in this post. So...thanks for being honest with where you are. Admitting is the first step. Thanks for reminding me to work on being a better mom along with you!

Becky said...

Loving your honesty and understanding your heart! I am there in the trenches with you. Thanks for the reminder.

Paula said...

Love this post. We have all been there. What you say is so true... but you definitely aren't a "bad" mother, because a bad mother wouldn't care and wouldn't strive to be better. You are a great mother who happens to be one of God's imperfect children. Good luck on your journey. :)

Major Mom said...

Steff I can only imagine the mother you are, you are so cool, Godly, quirky and honest. I think you are awesome. We all get ahead of ourselves and strive to do more and be more until we realize what we have sitting in our homes:hubby,kids and home are exactly what God wants us to minister to right this moment. I went through this very hard lesson last spring wanting to do something big that the Lord did not want me to do...he wants me right where I am and my day will come when i can minister outside of these 4 walls. I know how you are is hard.

Kelly said...

I know...i feel the same way. My heart for adoption is getting the best of me and since my husband does not feel the same way, it gets me mad. I need to just let it go and try to be better at what I have going now.

Laura said...

Take one day at a time for today has enough worries of its own. Tomorrow is another day and His mercy is new every morning. So let it be for yourself and your kids.

Sometimes I believe we are called to be right where we are. We don't feel like we are doing "enough" JUST staying at home with our children. But God says if He can trust us with something little, He will bless us with more. The something "little" is not measured in God's eyes the same way it is measured in our eyes. Put your Jesus filter on, Steff. Know that you are dearly loved by THE Father and by so many friends and family!

Be honest with yourself and your kids. Take a break--get them out of the house. You have taken on so much in the last year. Two new toddlers, severe illness and homeschooling! Plus Adam's dreams coming to fruition. Ask for help.

He is mighty and it is only the world... xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Kim said...

I am so there with you. really.

Anonymous said...

What an awesome and honest post. I think if we were all so honest we would have to admit we feel the exact same way.

darci said...

oh man, the Bible says to 'examine ourselves''s always painful for me! :)it's true, we've all been there, thanks for my reminder to 'examine'..darci

Natalie said...

hit the right place...

logistics are huge...

so hard to be nice remember thier sweet little faces and hearts and how very important I am to them

mercy... grace... needed from God to help me.

only from Him can i be this person He wants me to be and my fam needs me to be.