It's not the best feeling to come to the realization that your not the best mother. Driving down the road this morning it hit me like a huge weight in the gut. I feel it. I know it. I believe it. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself?
But I'm not.
Lately my heart hasn't been in the right place, my priorities are skewed. My days are filled with managing, getting by, being a referee, and then crawling into bed. I live for nap times and long for bedtime for the kids. I'm frustrated more than not and sometimes just downright resentful and angry.
People say it's a, "phase" all "good mothers experience this".
But I strive to be more. I am not satisfied or comforted by those thoughts. If I just dismiss it, I can't overcome. I can't be more. I would have no motivation to change.
And it starts with priorities.
Then where's my heart? Do my priorities require a heart of management? A heart of getting by? A heart filled with defeat in the morning?
I should be investing my time, teaching my children, encouraged, filled with cheer, thankful for the moments I have and abundant with love. When I'm "forced" to stop what I'm doing ie.(.laundry, research about pregnant women in Uganda, having that "important" conversation about ending poverty in Africa, cooking dinner, facebooking) because of another sibling fight, request, or bathroom emergency- I need to willingly and with great anticipation focus on the true priorities- My children. Their hearts. Guiding them in love. But before I even begin with all the other stuff... Have I ran to God yet this morning? This moment? Right now? Is He just another thing I need to "manage" or is He my reason for getting up. And what about Adam? How's my attitude towards him, what are my words, my actions showing my children. That I love him? Adore him? Respect him?
So here I am. Feeling. Knowing. Believing. I can be a better mother.