Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Running Hard, but Going Nowhere

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are running as fast as you can or hitting as hard as you can only to find yourself no further than when you first started.
It's like all your energy is being used.
You believe it will have an impact.
Nothing happens.
You are left exhausted, frustrated and defeated and no further than where you first started.
Yep- that pretty much sums up the last year of my life....
For me this represents me trying to do things alone or believing that the result is somehow related to my own strength.
I exhaust myself just listening to my own thoughts.
I work.
I struggle.
I fight.
I might "win".
Then it begins again...
like a long hallway in my dream that I run towards something or away from something
only to end up where I started.
two words
"I surrender".
I am waving my white flag. It is not about me. I can't do it on my own.
It's a crazy balance game.
Somewhere I bought into the idea that balance means everything in life get's equal time.
It is about having discernment in where you are needed.
Spiritual alignment.
For me...
I need my GOD above all else.
My man
My kids

I desire everything to be perfectly balanced and in order.
nothing is.
All things are distorted when God is absent.
I can give my house. My car. Every possession...
But it will NOT bring me closer to HIM.
Only when we give what we truly covet will we catch a glimpse of the sacrifice that was made for us.
I will find my balance by surrendering my agenda for His will.

I found what I covet is not stuff...
never has been and hopefully never will.

What I desire is to give to others..
so much that it affects my family negatively.
I spend 6-7 nights a week advocating for people I don't know.
I sell what I have, do without and martyr myself everyday.
This has become my idol.
I give at the expense of my family.
I justify it to my family by guilt.
I can honestly say..
I would give anything and everything
that is my doctrine.
One day God may ask that of me
He just wants me to serve my family.
for the past two weeks my man and I have turned off our phones and computers from dinner until bedtime.
Not going to lie...I don't feel like I'm "accomplishing" as much...
my kids are happy
we are less stressed
my man is writing music again
the 3 little ones learned to skateboard
I am making amazing dinners
I'm sleeping better
We are once again becoming the family God intended us to be.
instead of running hard without going anywhere...
I am walking, enjoying and moving forward


Adam said...

I love you my dream girl!

Paula said...

Good choice, Steffany.