Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Every Moment...

I spend every moment of every day thinking about faces that I can honestly not bare to disappoint. When I look at my kids I feel like I'm failing them, when I close my eyes I see all of the beautiful people I have met on my trips to Africa and I am now failing them.. I have sold more possessions than I own to constantly meet goals to not disappoint anyone. Yet...I fail. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in years and I know by me quitting it won't change that. I will continue to be haunted by failing and quitting, but man...I really needed a freakin cookie. I obeyed God beyond pain and beyond my comfort zone.. I didn't do it for my benefit or gain. I did it because I love. I love so much it hurts. I put everything I have out there. I'm tired. I just want to be numb for a day. Not to feel. Not to think. Cause I'm breaking. And I see no relief. People are still hurting. I'm still failing. I have nothing left to give.

I quit. I quit trying. I quit pretending. I can't do it. This moment and every moment I fail.


Molly said...

Oh honey. You can't save the world, but you can change the worlds of those you interact with. You are doing as much as you can, and you aren't helping anyone by beating yourself up.

Take a break. Take a rest. Snuggle your babies, including the two you adopted, the two who would have very different lives had you not come along. People will always hurt. It's sad but it's true. You can only do as much as you can, and beating yourself up and running yourself ragged isn't helping anyone. I know it's hard. I know. Sometimes I can't breathe with the overwhelmingness of it all. But we are making a difference. We can't reach everyone, but we can reach some people. Only if we take care of ourselves first.


LindaLea said...

I don't believe you're failing anyone. If anyone is failing, it's those of us who hear your message -- who hear about these beautiful people, who are our sisters and brothers, and their needs -- and don't respond with everything we have. It's we who need to do more. Our society is failing when people allow themselves to believe that we don't need to worry ourselves with other people's problems. We need to wake up and realize that other people's problems are our problems.

I asked my children, "How would you raise $20,000 for an ambulance that would save 100's of lives each year." They answered that we just need to tell people about the need and then everyone would give a little bit, and the money would be raised. I wanted to laugh and cry, because, honestly! It should be that simple. Children get it; they understand that we're all part of the Body of Christ, and we all have a stake in meeting each other's needs. I don't know why adults don't see that. I've told hundreds of people about this need. As far as I know, two people out of those hundreds have stepped forward and done something.

I hope you can step back and realize how much you truly are doing and to know that you are NOT failing anyone. I will continue to tell everyone I know about this need, and I'll continue to believe that God has this, and I believe that when you go back to Mareya in October that you'll be delivering an ambulance.

God bless,