Thursday, April 14, 2011

My Mirror

I looked in the mirror today and cried. This may sound weird, but I try not to look in the mirror that much. It's not that I don't like what I see or have hang-ups about my appearance. It's just I am who I am. I don't want what I see on any given day to dictate how I should feel about myself. I don't normally wear make-up or spend any time getting ready. I get up and go. Because inside I feel beautiful. I feel alive. I feel loved. I believe I look the same on the outside too and it is what is inside that will control what I see on the outside.

Lately though I have felt ugly, tired and unloved....I was scared to look in the mirror. I am almost 40, I am weary, and I don't feel loved...I did not recognize myself. Holy crap...I look old. I look weary. I look unloved. I look exactly how I feel. I cried. My tears got caught in my wrinkles, my happiness was lost in the bags under my eyes, I feel unloved...and it is obvious from my face, I feel alone.

Yes, I looked in the mirror today and my reflection described me. I can't change my age or my wrinkles.....or even who loves me.

I do know I can feel beautiful. I can feel alive. I can feel loved.

I will not find what I need or all I lack, gazing upon my image. No. I will discover it when I remember to look beyond what I see and who see. I will find it in loving. I will find it in serving... I will find the image I seek and who I am among the least of these...


Jacqueline said...

Sorry you're having one of those days. I know you know you are beautiful and loved.

I found that the 10 months of energy I spent dreading and preparing for my 40th birthday (in February) was entirely wasted. The day came and went and I felt exactly the same as the day before - knees a little creaky, subtle lines around my eyes - but nothing near as catastrophic as what I spent precious time and energy worrying about. Mourning the loss of youth wasn't worth it to me. Lesson learned. Check. :)

Anonymous said...

You're so amazing.

I see you give and give, serve and serve. Almost daily.

And then even in the moments you feel distraught and heart broken you take the time to share your heart.

You are THE most beautiful woman I know, inside and out.

And I can only wish that when I near 40 I can look as good as you do with no make up, 3-4 hours of sleep, limping around on a broken foot.

Christine said...

Steffany, I had this feeling to come over and chek in on you. I did so a few weeks back too. Big hugs. You and I have similar stories. If you ever want to talk...