Everyday and pretty much all day...I have this overwhelming feeling/burden of wanting or better yet, needing to write...but, I don't. Now that I think of it, this feeling/burden of wanting or better yet, needing to do pretty much ANYTHING is ever present and you know what? I still do nothing. Kind of sums up this past 12 months. It's a non stop constant feeling of failing. Failing everything and everyone...Here's the thing...I feel like I'm failing at the ONE thing that I promised myself I would not give up...my heart. I'm failing myself. It's the one thing I actually can control....my reactions, responses, my beliefs....and essentially my heart. I can't control my mom dying, losing my home, car, marriage, emails/texts received...BUT, my heart...yeah.....I should have this...

But...I don't.

I feel like I'm losing the only thing I am proud of.....grace....STOP here...I know/believe and breathe God's grace in my life...this in NOT what I'm talking about...this is about extending it...

Honestly, I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm weary.


yet,
in ALL things...give thanks.
I'm not thankful my mom died. I'm not thankful I  lost what I have....
In a way though......an honest way...I'm thankful for this past year.

yes, I'm failing....

I'm mad, hurt, weary,

but.... I believe...I believe in promises..I was promised,"I would not be left, forsaken or forgotten"... and because of grace...I know I'm failing....

crap