Everyday and pretty much all day...I have this overwhelming feeling/burden of wanting or better yet, needing to write...but, I don't. Now that I think of it, this feeling/burden of wanting or better yet, needing to do pretty much ANYTHING is ever present and you know what? I still do nothing. Kind of sums up this past 12 months. It's a non stop constant feeling of failing. Failing everything and everyone...Here's the thing...I feel like I'm failing at the ONE thing that I promised myself I would not give up...my heart. I'm failing myself. It's the one thing I actually can control....my reactions, responses, my beliefs....and essentially my heart. I can't control my mom dying, losing my home, car, marriage, emails/texts received...BUT, my heart...yeah.....I should have this...

But...I don't.

I feel like I'm losing the only thing I am proud of.....grace....STOP here...I know/believe and breathe God's grace in my life...this in NOT what I'm talking about...this is about extending it...

Honestly, I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm weary.


yet,
in ALL things...give thanks.
I'm not thankful my mom died. I'm not thankful I  lost what I have....
In a way though......an honest way...I'm thankful for this past year.

yes, I'm failing....

I'm mad, hurt, weary,

but.... I believe...I believe in promises..I was promised,"I would not be left, forsaken or forgotten"... and because of grace...I know I'm failing....

crap

The Post That Can't Be Titled or the Blog formerly known "As They Lived Happily Ever After"

I miss this... I miss you... I miss writing...sharing...I haven't been on here for awhile... In all honesty, if you have read this blog or still do....then, please can I just scream in front of you, can I get ugly...raw...You know me, I do not hold back. Tonight I tried to decide if I should create a new blog for a new life...I started to read this one from the beginning in '07...So many tears.

Decided...this is my story. Why would I dismiss any of it? There are gaps...pain...but, I write because...writing brings you into my life and I need you ...


This week my mommy died. This week I was in the hospital (again). This week I found out I move after 9 years. This week I ran out of borrowed money for my attorney and will face the judge with my head held up high, but cry inside for what can never be.

Freedom is a word and notion we all know, but very few know they need it and are willing to sacrifice everything to achieve it.... unfortunately, we allow our own freedom to be defined by others