Looking Back

Well since I'm stuck in bed again I decided to read my blog from the beginning. I spent my day looking back over the last few years.

I got to relive all the emotions and memories with each post I read. I got to reflect on where I have come from and I got inspired to keep moving forward to where I want to go. What is it about looking back than spurs you ahead? I cried all over again when I saw Marion's picture of her lying in the hospital alone in Liberia . I remembered like it was yesterday not being able to fully comprehend the attachment I would have to a child half way around the world that I have never met. And to come to the realization that her death was the catalyst I needed to hear God's voice. At that time all I could think of was the two children in Liberia that I was to adopt. Yes, I would read about the statistics of infant mortality in developing countries. I knew a little of the aids pandemic. I was aware that lack of water was a problem. But for me the reality was I just really wanted to adopt my two Liberian kids. Is wasn't until Marion died and Emmanuel left the orphanage that it became personal. That the number of 143 million orphans became real to me. That Marion would be alive if she had access to clean water and basic medicine. It took the death, just one of thousands that day-the death of a baby I never met but was still my daughter to make me finally get it. It is or was never about just two children. Two weeks later the funds were raised for Marion's house. A home that was to be built in her honor to care for babies without a home. At the same time this was happening our family was falling in love with another orphan. Only he was in our city and in foster care. He was 12. We became his respite care providers so we could spend the weekends with him. I spent hours a week on the phone with his foster mom. We took him to Disney world. Our children loved him. The week before he was to move in and forever be a part of our family his foster mom called. He molested a little girl and would not be able to be a part of our family. That was it. No call from his caseworker. Nothing. He moved to another foster family just around the corner from us. Even now as I look back it still hurts, but now I feel a great sense of relief. Looking back I can see how God beautifully orchestrated everything from Marion, Emmanuel, foster kid D, to our twins Diezel and Xia. Through our foster parent training I learned to understand without condemnation the choices some moms make inspite of their responsibilities as a parent. I have a deeper since of compassion after realizing I could make the same decisions given the same situation. In me the same darkness and uncertainty lives. Just today I was feeling stagnant. Like a clogged pipe. Crying out, "Lord I have felt you. I have heard you. Yet I feel like I have done nothing". Then I looked back and reread my life over the last few years and I know the truth. I heard. I felt. And I did do something. During the time of Foster kid D, I partnered with an organization in Uganda. In two weeks the money was raised to fund a project. Lives were changed. Clean water was made possible. Agriculture processes were put in place. Then....on Jan. 16 2008 exactly one year after my sister died to the day and 1 year 16 days after we decided to adopt I got a call. "would you be interested in twins. One boy one girl almost 2?" I forgot how scared I was to get excited until I read my old posts. It took me forever just to look at their pictures. I remember looking at them for the first time..

Okay this is officially too long..
Until next time.
Steffany

All in 5 MInutes...

The many emotions of Diezel all in 5 minutes.

9 Years of Faith

Happy 9th birthday Faithy girl. We love you. I'm so happy you "finally" lost your first tooth a couple days before your birthday!

Sweet Story

This is an awesome story

Way too Out There

This week I was hoping to officially launch the new Because Every Mother Matter's campaign. Exciting stuff in the works. Then news of Haiti hit. My mind and heart shifted to the unimaginable devastation that the people of Haiti were faced with and I just stopped or seemed unable to focus on the task at hand-Because Every Mother Matters-This is also the week my sister died suddenly a few years ago. It seemed no matter how much I wanted to concentrate my efforts on life saving campaigns I kept being drawn towards death and calamity. Every where I turned and even in sleep I saw death. I saw suffering. People hurting. Mother's wailing (including my own) for children lost. Everyone asking, "Why?, oh why God?" I found myself wanting to ask. Wanting to question the Almighty. And it is in this place. The place that we all witnessed to some extent this week. We can see and find the answer. If we just readjust our focus. And if we truly seek. We see His face. At least I do. And I no longer feel the need to question why. Because if I really look....look beyond the death. See beyond the tragedy. Listen to the intent of the screams and feel the undeniable presence of the Spirit...only then will I understand. We live in a world where crap happens. We live a world that is unjust. We live in a world that knows pain. We live in a world that is dark. Our body starts the process of death upon conception. We are HUMANS. We are ugly and tragic and trapped by our very nature. To blame God for what happens to us is to completely miss the very nature of your existence and to dismiss the beautiful and dangerous gift of free will. Darkness is devoid of light but it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. And even in the light there are shadows. In all of us both are prevalent. Too see the total destruction of Haiti you also have to bare witness to the beauty. The stories you read of heroes being born. Men rising up to serve. Women courageously protecting and saving lives. People from all over the world coming forward to help. Communities uniting. Organizations forming. Churches praying. Mothers' clinging fervently to their children. Even in the dark. In the death. Light will shine. Lives will change. Our promise of life is not in this world. As I mourn and am left heartbroken for Haiti, I am filled with hope for the knowledge of the LORD. As I watch my own mother continue to cry for her lost child and watch the mothers of Haiti cry for theirs....I am still filled with AWE of how great God's love is. Our spirit cries out even in joy and yet it is filled with pain. Pain of feeling disconnected which can only be truly satisfied when we are in His presence.
I know I completely went off on a tangent here. As I reread my words I pray that they are understood. But I am not naive and I know that to some I will sound like a dork...and that's okay. Because I am.

Oh yeah...Before I went in a whole other direction-My point was...I felt weird launching Because Every Mother Matters in light of what happened in Haiti. I did not want to diminish focus, funds, or peoples hearts to wanting to serve there. It felt weird. Then the more I thought I started feeling like a complete idiot. The fact is...People are dying everywhere. Mothers and their children are facing unthinkable hardships in every country. For me to hold off a campaign to help the mommies in Uganda to help the mommies in Haiti seemed crazy. A LIFE IS A LIFE. EVERY MOTHER MATTERS! So whether you feel led to help a Haitian mother, a Ugandan mother, or a mother across the street...just do it.

If you are looking for an organization you can support in Haiti I recommend contacting Jocelyn.
She started Redeeming waters and will be heading to Haiti this week. Since she is a small organization you can know that she will personally use your donations to make a difference.
Contact her through her site.

And yes, I will be writing more about Because Every Mother Matters and what we are doing.

Fed up With Comfort....Feeling a Little Pit in Your Stomach Lately?

Then I am talking to YOU.

Exciting things in the works.
Details are being worked out.
Knees are getting raw from prayer.

Are you ready????
Ready to get dirty?

Make a tons of mistakes?
In
Hope
of
Making a Difference
in the
life
of a
Mother?

I am.
I am tired of that pit in my stomach that gnaws at me. The feeling I get when I know God spoke to me a long time ago and now it sounds barely like a whisper. The fear of not answering Him when He has called. I am tired of living my comfortable life.
I am ready.

Are
YOU?

We Did It!!!!

Yep.
You did it!
We raised the $1000 in 4 days.
One mom
half way around the world
will
know
that
SHE
MATTERS!
Thank you.
And the best part.
Her medical care is being arranged right now.
I hope to have Gedese be able to go to the hospital and visit her.
To be her voice.
and to tell her about all of you.
Congratulations!
You made a difference:)

Inspired Afternoon

The little ones are napping and the older ones are reading. Perfect time for a blog post. I sat down with every intention of pouring my heart out to you all. Sharing with you the thoughts that keep me awake night after night or the struggle I am having with Xia and her regressive behaviors. I could even write a whole post about the physical affection Diezel has been showing me lately(which is something so new and so beautiful)

But I won't.
Not after I just read my blog list.
The words and stories I want to share with you are not my own.
I have been crying for 30 minutes reading blogs.
I am
inspired
broken
enlightened
encouraged
and
uplifted.
I want to share with you what I read.
Please take the time to read their words
watch their videos
and listen to their hearts.
I want to take you on a journey

First stop- My friend Lisa. Her post, the story of a baby born with severe disabilities who grows into a man with the ability to sofeten any heart. It is A 6 MIN. video....But it is worth every second!
Second stop-My blog friend Julie. She blogs about fear. They are an "older" couple adopting. She has such a sweet spirit and writes with honesty. Please go and read her words and listen to her heart.
Next-My friend living in Fitzville wrote a post that broke me. It's a simple post about her son and food. It was such a huge reminder to me to never forget where my children have come from. I am inspired by her and her insight to understand where her son's stress was coming from.
Then head over to Donna's blog- It is an older post, because she never writes(hint) I come back this a lot. An amazing story of surrender. I love this woman.

Finally stop at Becky's- This post of "tell me I'm not the only one" was brave. As mom's we want to be perfect. We have an image embedded in our minds of how we see our lives, our children, our relationships and as you and I know....It never seems to play out the same way. I love how she honestly deals with the reality of day to day life.

I am so blessed to be able to be apart of all of your lives. Thanks for blogging. Thanks for making a difference in my life today.

SHOCK and AWE

-WARNING GRAPHIC IMAGES-

I have had several conversations the last few days with some incredible women who have a heart to serve. They want to make a difference just like me. They are filled with passion for orphans, the hungry, human rights and everyday people they meet just like I am. These are women that want to get involved as do I. They have tried to get involved as I have, but then get discouraged when inevitably they encounter friends and family that don't share the same brokenness, the same heartache, the same compassion and vision. They are often told, "That's great of you" or "You're a better person than I am" or "I'm broke" or "It's too big of a problem, you won't make a dent so why are you even trying". I too hear those same statements.
I get them everyday. I get frustrated. I get discouraged. I want to give up.
Maybe God tagged the wrong person.
Maybe I heard wrong.
Maybe they are right,
maybe the problem is too big.
I am comfortable.
I have my own struggles.
I can't make a difference.

But you know.
You know deep down.
That you are not a better person than they are.
You know that helping doesn't have to be a "great deed"
It just needs to simply come from the heart.
And yes,
The problem is HUGE.
It is way bigger than you can tackle.
And yes,
you too are "struggling" financially
but
you just bought something you didn't need.
The truth is -
You can make a difference.
You can impact and save a life.
It does not take a better person
It does not take a rich person
It does not take someone else.
It takes YOU!!!!!!
We need you.
They need you.
Please give your time
don't have any?
Give your money?
don't have any?
Then give your heart!

Because Every Mother Matter's needs your help!
Those of you new to my blog-
B.E.M.M.
is an organization I started with Brandi (a blog friend) in partnership with Doma Connection to provide birthing kits to remote villages in Uganda.
However...
Right now I need to raise $800. for a momma in Ethiopia. They discovered her on a recent trip
she has a prolapsed uterus and is still living!
My children
my amazing children upon reading about her gave me all of their Christmas money without hesitation. One of my kids has been sending out desperate pleas for help for this mother and has yet to have anyone respond. My heart breaks for not only this mother in Ethiopia who does not know if she will receive the care she needs to be able to not only survive and raise her children,
but also my children's hearts who gave in complete faith and love be faced the reality that so many people feel like their $1.00 or $100 won't make a difference.
So they don't even bother.
But it will.
It will make a difference
B.E.M.M.
has their first project and it is a mommy half way around the world who is living their life like this

So, what do I tell the amazing women that want to make a difference and my own children who give selflessly because of a desire to make a difference?
I tell them-
Some people will
and
Some people won't.
And those that will
do so not because of what you show them or tell them
but simply because
they want to.
And
those that don't
might if you
show them and tell them.
In the end
it's all the same
A life was changed.
and
YOU
MADE
A
DIFFERENCE.

Go HERE to make a change.
When making a donation please put for Ethiopian Mom or Because Every Mother Matters in the "special instructions to the seller" box.
You will see this box after you log in to your Paypal
on the confirm your order page.
And please know,
if you have any doubt
of how I feel about the importance of feeling lead to a certain charity vs. giving out of guilt please read
this post

A Lot More Coming...

A lot more blogging coming your way...
I know. I know. All 3 of my peeps are jumping up and down with excitement.
With better health on my horizon and one huge spiritual battle won
I am on fire (sizzle).

The book is coming together.
Because Every Mother Matters has it's first project.
(Which you definitely want to be a part of...if you are a mother, have a mother, or want to be a mother)

But first....
I know you probably are wondering...
What happened to Steffany(me)?
All the vague medical posts, what was wrong?

Let's just say
I haven't been the same since Africa.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.
Physically.

So, let's start with physical.
Many of you remember when I came back I ended up sick with:
Typhoid Fever
Hep A
Rieters Syndrome
Giardia
and
Tissue parasites.
And not to mention 2 very sick kiddos
Oh yeah and 1 very sick pregnant Ethiopian lady.
I spent the next year taking antibiotics,
not sleeping,
adjusting to very sick and needy twins
fighting our government,
selling possessions to take care of the pregnant Ethiopian woman(Gedese)
that was living with me for the year. Needless to say I didn't take the best care of myself.
For the year and a half I have had reoccurring fevers and intestinal upset.
Then on Oct 22nd, I spiked a high fever and had severe chest pain.
Being who I am...
A day later I drove to Iowa to run for Water4Christmas. A charity to raise money for clean water in Liberia. I ran in the freezing wet cold. Six hours later I ended up to my embarrassment in the hospital. Thank God I had a dear friend with me.
They diagnosed without any tests me with ChestWall Pain.
I then drove the 5 hours back home and ended up in the hospital here.
I was then diagnosed with Pericarditis. I was put on nasty medicine that made me violently ill.
It wasn't until my next hospitalization that an infectious disease Dr. was called in. Given all my past travel history complicated by my last conquest of a 7 day backpack adventure in the remote mountains of Colorado spanning almost 40 miles they decided I might be so sick due to my recent travels or my Africa travels. Then they proceeded to do tons more tests. After being released with still no answer I decided to go to a naturopath. He told me I had lung parasites and gave me more meds. By this point I have now been sick for a very long time. Not only the year of Africa stuff but then now 2 months of "thought I might die" sickness.
Severe chest pain
fevers
intense muscle weakness
Breathlessness that left me so tired I just wanted to stop breathing.
Weight loss.
And still no answers.
At this time I am now believing My Africa stuff and my newest Lung stuff are separate and they are making a huge mistake trying to find a common ground.
I finally about 4 days ago started as directed taking the naturopath med.
And I am feeling better.
Then yesterday I went to my regular Dr.
I went in believing I am healing...
and I left despite what was said that I am still healing.
He wants to run more tests, but I decided to hold off for a few weeks to see if I keep improving before we dig any further. The tests and unknowing in itself can be a little stressful. The newest "theories" are I might have had Myocarditis and if that's the case I am grateful to be alive.They would want to do a MRI of the heart to confirm this, but even if it's diagnosed the only thing to do is give it time, rest and keep taking my high doses of anti-inflammatory. So at this point having that test seems pointless. My pulmonary function test pointed to a possible neuromuscular disease. The test to explore that possibility more fully would require an intense nerve test. Since I have no other symptoms of either multiple sclerosis, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or late onset of muscular dystrophy and I am feeling better, I decided to postpone that one since it's quite painful. The other test they wanted to perform is a lung biopsy and yes...you guessed it. I opted out for now. I will not even discuss the colonoscopy they wanted to do:) If it was two weeks ago and I was still feeling as bad as I did...I would not hesitate to run any of these tests. So, if in two weeks I am still improving we will probably assume it was lung parasites or Myocarditis. If however I am not improving then a testing I will go.
So there you have it....
where Steffany has been physically.
I am amazed at how much the physical ties into the emotional and spiritual as well.
And that my friends is where true growth happens
I am so excited to share more...

Stand Up.

Our First Mission For the Because Every Mother Matter's Project

Our partner Doma Connection just brought to our attention a woman in Ethiopia that needs help. She has had three children and has a prolapsed uterus.
For more info http://julieannclark.wordpress.com/2010/01/06/ethiopia-trip-join-us-on-our-april-trip/
We need to raise $1000 for her treatment. I am so excited for this opportunity to stand up and be counted. To stand up and make a difference. To stand up and see one life changed because we as a team decided to do something. This will be our first project. Yes...our goal is to provide birthing kits to the women in Uganda who lack the basics during labor and delivery. At the same time WE ARE BECAUSE EVERY MOTHER MATTERS!!!!! Every mother no matter where they are. And this one mother. This mother without a name. This mother without a face. This mother matters and she needs our help.

Good news...we only need $900 now. One of my kids who has asked to remain anonymous gave all of his Christmas money the moment he heard about her.
May we all act so quickly and so boldly

Go HERE to donate

3 Days in...

It's January 3rd and already it's been quite the year. I got to chat with a couple of amazing women on facebook tonight. Despite the chaos of the first few days of 2010, I am moving ahead with confidence and hope. I left my Drs office in tears last week but am ready to tackle tomorrow's appt. I finished 2009 without completing certain goals, but am making strides today.
I have no idea what is really ahead of me this year....but I am ready!

To All of You

I'm thinking I need to get one more blog in before the new year begins. It has been awhile since my last confession...sorry bad joke or possibly a good one if you're as dorky as me.
I really do miss blogging/facebooking. I miss "talking" to all my bloggity/facebook friends out there. I miss knowing that somehow I am creating a sort of online scrapbook for my family. A journal of my thoughts, which seem to be more like ramblings, complete with pictures and most of all encouraging input from all of you. I miss reading your blogs. It was a part of my day that I cherished. A time where I wasn't thinking about my world and my family, but felt like I was a part of yours. Your stories, your everyday life that you have shared through this crazy thing called blogging/facebooking made a difference in mine. I miss getting on my knees and praying for your adoptions, your family, your everyday battles, your charities, your deepest heartache and celebrating your accomplishments, rejoicing with you when prayers are answered and learning from your experiences regardless of age, marital status, religion, having multiple children or none. Each of you has touched me, my heart and my spirit. I would love more than anything to personally acknowledge who I am talking about, but given my light hair pigmentation...yes..I am blonde and the fear I would inadvertently leave somebody out due to the fact I may have only visited your blog once or am not a facebook regular and maybe can't even remember your name....Just know YOU, ALL OF YOU have impacted me in some way. Keep writing. Keep blogging. Keep sharing from your heart. Be honest. Be real. Be genuine. You never know who will be reading...kind of scary and creepy in a cool way..huh ?

Your thoughts will make a difference. Your story matters. Your struggles are not in vain. Your everyday victories bring hope. Because you have a made a difference in my life and your story matters to me. I have learned from your struggles and your sweet spirit has brought me hope.
We are getting ready to not only start a new year but end a decade this next year. If this year has taught me anything....my goal is to not only strive to live simply, but to simply live.
May you know...really know and believe in the depths of your soul that you are loved and desired. I love you all. Happy New Year!!!!!

The Man With the Plan.

I had my lung function test today. I don't know a lot other than my results are abnormal. I'm still planning on leaving in a few hours to fly to Vegas. I actually have been feeling pretty good this past week. Which makes me wonder why my numbers are so low....I have complete faith and peace knowing my God has a plan. He's the Man with the plan....

Flying High

In a few short hours a part of the Las Vegas Strip will be shut down and my husband will be flying high in a helicopter filming a scene for our movie....How cool is that? I am so proud of him. I wish I were there watching him in action .
Pending my lung test this week I will be flying out with 4 of the kids Fri. morning. As soon as we land we'll go to Death Valley to watch them film a scene. Then we will fly back to Missouri on Dec 24th.
I love being married to a dreamer....He is always showing me anything is possible with a vision and Christ at your side!

Seeking

I am seeking a stunt double....someone who resembles me in looks that can participate in medical tests for me....You only need to have a colonoscopy, lung function tests and more blood work.
Pay-nothing.
Helping a worn out mother of 6-priceless

Beautiful Stranger

Do you ever wonder why certain people are in your life?
I pass hundreds of people a day during my normal life of driving, shopping, schooling, work.
Hundreds.
I look in cars as I drive by...wondering what are they thinking? How was their morning? Do they know they are loved? Do they know...really know that they are special? Has anyone told them, showed them that they are worthy.
That they are enough...
just as they are.
I meet people everyday.
Some...
I just know..
I just feel..
are suppose to be a part of my life.
I can't help but to stop my life.
Look at them.
and love.
I met someone by chance almost two years ago...
Normally she would just be a face...
another person that i pass by..
But not this time.
She was my waitress when I went to Phoenix to meet some blog friends.
Tattooed, outspoken, and intense.
I loved her immediately.
I have kept in touch through Facebook and visited her a few months ago.
When I was laying in my hospital bed last week...
so was she.
I had my husband and my church family around me...
she didn't.
She is 26 years old.
She had a 2 inch mass removed from her ovary,
and
an ovary removed
then the other one untwisted.
She needs probably a hysterectomy.
She is a student
and has no income.
She is waiting to see if she has cancer...
Again
she was just a face...
of a hundred
that I pass by each day.
But..
she has a name.
she has a cause.
Her name is Crystal.
She is worthy.
She is loved.
She is enough.
Please Donate.
Please let her know....
You noticed
beautiful stranger
Crystal (link to her site to donate to her fund)

A Lot

So much in my mind and heart....

Oh Man....

I am back in the hospital.
But hey...
I have my laptop and wireless internet.
Doing the happy dance from my hospital bed.
I feel very peaceful right now.
I'm trusting in my God that I'll be up dancing for real soon.
I'm suppose to leave for Vegas in two weeks to finish filming...
I bought my tickets in faith.
Thank you for all your prayers and well wishes:)

Boster Style Thanksgiving

Since I spend most of my time in bed now days, my sweet husband bought me a laptop. Now I can blog, facebook and work on the book in bed. All I need is Skype and then I'll be set up:) It's been over 5 weeks since I first got sick. I keep thinking I'll wake up feeling better. I'm off to the Dr. again tomorrow-It's been pretty rough the last few days. My family came here for Thanksgiving and took care of everything. It was a huge blessing. I finally crawled out of bed around 3:00 and joined everyone.

Adam and his dad

My dad, kid brother, Adam and his dad.
It was awesome listening to them jam.

Nadia and Owain our friends from Jamaica.
Do you remember me blogging about putting an ad on craigslist to find someone to help with the twins hair and how nervous I was? Yeah...that's them. They have become great friends. Their son Kwesi and Lukas are best buddies.

18 people in my dining room giving thanks and enjoying our feast.

I Can Only Imagine....

Do you know that song?
"I can only imagine" by Mercy Me.
I heard it today. I actually listen to it a lot.
I played it at my sister's funeral. This morning all of the events around her death hit me.
And it hit me like a punch in the gut. I don't think I've ever put it together before the way it fell into place this morning. The night before she died she called me. She wanted a ride to church for herself and two random kids. It should have been no problem, right?
Yet...every time she called a moral war raged. Many times she would call for a ride to church(a 30min trip in the other direction)only to have me get all the kids ready, drive to her apartment, knock on the door and have her never answer. The times she did come she was mostly strung out and wanted money. Oh, how I miss those times.
After a while it got old. So when she called me in January hoping I would pick her up for church I told her," no" and that she would" need to get another ride". She told me she wanted to bring two little girls to church. I still said, "No". I wanted her to use" her resources" and if" it was important to her she would find a way". She called many people and they all said, "No". They too were tired of her "ways".
Later that day when we were close to her house I asked Adam to stop by her apartment. I hadn't seen her in weeks maybe in over month.
I knocked on the door and two little girls answered...
what do you know...
she was telling the truth about the two little girls.
I saw my sister and hugged her, and gave her money for food.
We talked about church.
She told me about the little girls, and I found out they were the kids of crack addicts next door and she wanted them to experience church and have a chance to hang out with my kids.
She seemed stressed about her TV, but otherwise totally oblivious as I was that she would never wake up again. Those two little girls were there when my sister took her last breath and died. They were in bed with her totally unaware she was dead until the morning until they tried to wake her to put on makeup and play dress-up. I am eternally grateful for those little girls. The life my sister chose to lead ....
unless those two little girls were there...
I have no idea how long she would havestayed in her bed without anyone knowing.
I shudder.
I cry.
I Mourn.
Only God would know
that the following week a crowd would be gathered to listen to the song I cried to this morning.
"I can Only Imagine".
What was the lesson taught at church the day she died? The one that she called me to take her to and I said, "No"
James 4: 13-16
¹³Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." ¹⁴Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." ¹⁶As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

This is what I preached at her funeral a week later.
Where the parents of the two little girls, yes the crack addicts sat through and cried.
Now listen to the words of that song....
And promise me....
the next time someone wants a ride to church....
and
no matter how many times that they have stood you up...
take them.
It's never about you or what's convenient
but about a lost lady who is your sister that you miss desperately and two random little girls.
I miss her so much....

HahahahahahahaSnort

Turns out-
putting together an online type catalog for Double Gifting for Christmas or "gifts with a purpose" isn't as easy as I thought.
Nothing ever is.
Still working on it.
I just thought I would be able to whip something up and it would be brilliant.
hahahahahahahahahsnorthahahasnort.
That's me.
Totally laughing at myself.

Double It!

Last year most of the gifts we gave were "gifts with a purpose"
There are so many amazing charities that sell products to raise money and
families that sell things to support their adoptions.
In the next few days I'm going to try to put together an online "catalog" or list of different causes that allow you to not only give someone on your Christmas list an assortment of great gifts but that also allows you to bless the seller. I love that! It's like double the giving.
Please let me know of any organizations that you know of that I could add to the list.
Or if you are a family trying to fund raise for your adoption I would love to know about it.
My friend Joy has started a list with some great ideas already.

*BTW- Please let me know if I can add you to my blog list. I lost my list a few days ago and am trying to rebuild it*

Six Feet Under or Completely Over it.

I've had a few people ask how I am doing since my last few posts have thankfully been non-medical ones. Let's see...I continue to get stronger everyday. I have gained all my weight back. The doctors still haven't been able to pinpoint what exactly the problem was. We are still waiting for some test results. The weakness seems to come and go. I'm still not back to my daily routine. Yesterday was a rough day. I thought I was going to collapse after walking up the stairs from tucking the boys in. I had to go straight to bed. Yet, today I was able to do a little shopping, which is something I haven't done for over 3 weeks. This illness has definitely brought my family together. My mom came everyday for a week to help until she caught the swine flu from Lukas. Please pray for her. She is really sick and because of my weakened immune system I haven't been able to help or see her. My step dad finished the huge chalkboard in the kitchen so the little ones would have something to do while I've been in bed. My bio-dad drove here from St. Louis to visit me in the hospital and since then he has called me every single day to check on me. He even sent me a huge care package in the mail complete with food and warm happy socks. My step mom has graciously offered to drive here on Thanksgiving with my dad, brother and sister to bring and prepare dinner for everyone, including my mom, step dad, Adam's father, and our new friends from Jamaica. My mother in law and my husband's uncles have checked in almost daily to see how we are all doing. Adam leaves for Vegas this week. I am a little nervous because what ever it is I have seems so unpredictable. I am still boycotting the medicine the cardiologist prescribed which probably seems foolish to many people, but I am getting better. And I do feel like given all the information I have it continues to be the best choice for me. My doctor(not the cardiologist) did tell me, "by the time the tests results come back, you'll either be six feet under or completely over it and the chances of never knowing what you have is likely." Umm.. I'll take the feeling better option.
Again, thank you so much for all your prayers and messages.

You Know Someone is a Good Friend When...

After reading your profile they instant message you on facebook and tell you to look up the word that you proudly refer to yourself as
in the dictionary.
Okay for all the times I have called myself "the world's biggest dork"
I seriously had no idea that is was in reference to....
I can't even say it.
Just look it up
DORK

So thank you my dear friend and pastor Ken.
I know know you truly love me.

Oh yeah this *needs to come up with a new name other than dork*girl
needs to re-do my blog list. Most of the ones I had listed stopped blogging.
I'm trying to update and in the process wiped out everyone.
If you know I visit your blog or if you are new to mine..
let me know so I can easily find you by adding you to my list.

This Time of Year

There's something about this time of year that makes my brain work overtime and my heart stretch.
It's that time of year where we come together in thankfulness and celebration. It's also that time of year where we eat too much, spend too much. Then we try to make the reality of our extra pounds and debt suddenly feel better by half heartily committing ourselves to a New Year's resolution to do things differently next year. It's the time of year that we often
lose sight of the simple things and ignore the obvious.


I pray for the wisdom and discernment not to get caught up in the twinkling lights, pretty packages and abundant food.
I pray I also can except the blessings I have without guilt.
I pray while I lift my glass of wine up in celebration with my family and friends this season that I am filled with gratitude for all that I have
and that I remember
what I have seen.

That I remember the obvious.
That over half the world lives on less than $2.50 a day.
That there are 147 million orphans in the world.
That the majority of deaths are because of the lack of clean water!

Today is
$10 Friday. Today. Can mean life.
It's that simple.
Let water be the first gift you buy this year.
Click here to donate.

My Birthday Wish

This year on my 37th birthday I wished for one thing.
A giant chalkboard in my kitchen!
On Oct 4th we painted the wall with not only chalkboard paint, but also magnetic paint!
Then for the next month my dad worked tirelessly to build a custom frame to put around it.
I love it!
and
so do the kids:)

Work To Be Done

I have not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually been unable to care for my family for quite a few weeks now. I have a lot of work to do. To say these last few weeks have been stressful on my family is an understatement. Today is the first day I have made my bed. Today is the first day I haven't been lying prostrate for 20+ hours. Today is the first day I have cooked in weeks. It is the first day I have eaten a meal. I have lost 10 pounds in less than two weeks. The first day I got out of my pj's. Today is the first day I have really been able to somewhat meet the needs of my family. Today is also the first day in weeks (Yes this may sound dramatic...but true) The first day I don't think I'm dying. It is also the first day after the day I decided to stop taking my medicine. After much research I decided it was better to stop what the dr's wanted me to take for the next 3 months.

The truth is...I have been sick. Real sick. My family has suffered because of it and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I couldn't change anything. I felt helpless. My husband has been carrying the stress of it all. My kids have tried their best to "help", but they're kids and they shouldn't have to.
The times I have been lucid enough to see what was going on around me all I could do was cry.

I have another doctor visit tomorrow. Probably more tests. But hey..that is tomorrow and tonight is now.
And right now at this moment I am getting ready to roll up my sleeves, put my best face forward and get to work.
The work of being a mommy to 6

and the wife to an amazing husband who I have taken for granted.

BTW- I wanted to thank the few friends and family I have that have taken the time out of everyday to either text, email or call me during this time.
It means so much to me.
Thank you.
Your caring has brought me so much encouragement.

Alien Baby

I got home from the hospital on Mon. night. I'm now headed back to the doctor for the 2nd time since then. I have been able to get out of bed some yesterday and this morning. However my spleen has now decided it doesn't have enough room and it's wanting to bust out of my body. Adam says it looks like I'm pregnant with an alien baby. It's okay..you can laugh. I did. I have found myself getting overly dramatic this past week. Something about 3 ER visits and a 3 day hospitalization followed by every other day doctor visits that can make you start to think about stuff. That is another post entirely. Just wanted to update everyone.

In Hospital

I ended up back in the hospital last night. Still here. Please pray for my family while I'm here. Pray for wisdom for the doctors to find out what is wrong with me. Last night was scary, but I'm feeling a bit better this morning.