Smile

Just had the next step in my dental reconstruction done today. Definitely worse this time. I had over 15 shots in a two hour period. For some reason I was still feeling the pain. I was feeling ill before I went in (fever+ nausea). So we used very little nitrous- side effect from it is nausea. So I pretty much had to deal with it. Today was a gingivectomy, two crowns, and new temporary on my implant. So I have three teeth kind of glued together right now. I'm swollen and in pain. I have one more big procedure next month and then hopefully will be finished with the dentist for quite awhile.

I'm hoping to look/act somewhat normal when I travel to the Orphan Summit Conference in Dallas next week. Right now I look kind of like a combination of Octomom and someone who has had tons of botox injections in the lower half of their face. Oh yeah I have to use this crazy mouthwash stuff that stains your teeth. Not to mention the drugs they have me on. Wow!

He did agree to donate toothbrushes for my trip to Africa(that I will make sometime).

New to my dental adventures- Click here

Bad Mother

It's not the best feeling to come to the realization that your not the best mother. Driving down the road this morning it hit me like a huge weight in the gut. I feel it. I know it. I believe it. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself?

But I'm not.

Lately my heart hasn't been in the right place, my priorities are skewed. My days are filled with managing, getting by, being a referee, and then crawling into bed. I live for nap times and long for bedtime for the kids. I'm frustrated more than not and sometimes just downright resentful and angry.

People say it's a, "phase" all "good mothers experience this".

But I strive to be more. I am not satisfied or comforted by those thoughts. If I just dismiss it, I can't overcome. I can't be more. I would have no motivation to change.
And it starts with priorities.

1.God.
2.Adam.
3.Kids.
4.Calling/Job

Then where's my heart? Do my priorities require a heart of management? A heart of getting by? A heart filled with defeat in the morning?

I should be investing my time, teaching my children, encouraged, filled with cheer, thankful for the moments I have and abundant with love. When I'm "forced" to stop what I'm doing ie.(.laundry, research about pregnant women in Uganda, having that "important" conversation about ending poverty in Africa, cooking dinner, facebooking) because of another sibling fight, request, or bathroom emergency- I need to willingly and with great anticipation focus on the true priorities- My children. Their hearts. Guiding them in love. But before I even begin with all the other stuff... Have I ran to God yet this morning? This moment? Right now? Is He just another thing I need to "manage" or is He my reason for getting up. And what about Adam? How's my attitude towards him, what are my words, my actions showing my children. That I love him? Adore him? Respect him?

So here I am. Feeling. Knowing. Believing. I can be a better mother.

10 Minutes

10 minutes is all it takes to put out a grease fire in the oven, clean up a broken wine glass, change and sanitize a urinary accident of one toddler, take out Xia's hair, get dinner on the table and write this blog.
Yeah all in the same 10 minutes.

Not Your Typical Saturday.

Adam was invited to participate in a "celebrity shooting competition". Which cracks me up for two reasons. Let's see #1. Ummmm... He doesn't shoot. #2. Celebrity? hummm...I love it!
*not to dog the competition or my husband being called a celebrity. Just funny..If you really know us:)
He is required to practice at least two times before the event (which is probably a great idea:)
A wonderful man named Steve who is helping Adam allowed Jace and I to come shoot as well. I had no idea what to expect. The only thing I knew was it was going to be outside. I pictured in my mind being in the woods with random gunfire. Because of this vision, I made us wear red. Not at all what I expected. We probably looked like dorks, but I am the biggest self proclaimed dork of all time. So no problem!

It was a blast. We shot a '45' a '22' and a "glok"? I think Adam and Jace are addicted. Me? well.. I had to pee so bad I couldn't concentrate. I finally found a spot in the woods. I was freaked out the whole time trying to pee with gunfire going every direction! After my "break" I found a new sense of focus and actually hit the target.

This is definitely something we don't do on a typical Saturday and the day before Easter, but hey we're not exactly a typical family.

Birthdays, Hair and Reflection.

Today my 10 year old daughter and 4 year old son share a birthday. Things worked out perfectly the other four children all had places to be this morning. So, I got to spend a few hours with just the birthday kids. I am so blessed by them.

McKayley turned 10. My first girl in the double digits. She is turning into a creative, beautiful and loving young woman. She is my melancholy child living in a house full of sanguine people. She brings a spirit of quietness and grace to us. When she was 6 she asked to get her ears pierced. Adam and I quickly dismissed that thought and told her when she was 10 she could do it. Age 10 seemed so far away to us and surely she would forget, right? Nope. First thing this morning we went and got them pierced. Awwww..She's growng up! Last night she had her *first date* with her daddy of course. Adam and I are both wanting her to enter her teen years with a strong and deep connection with her dads. Her earthly one and heavenly one. We want her to know she is a princess and how much she is loved. They were both so cute last night. Adam called before coming home to pick her up. He was at the florist and wanted to know if he should buy her flowers. He showed up with a rose and off they went. Hopefully the first of many daddy daughter dates.

Lukas turned 4 today! This kid is as funny as he is charismatic. He creates an audience wherever he goes. He seriously is one of the funniest kids to watch. He is thoughtful and sweet. He was so proud of dressing himself today. It wasn't until we got to the book store did I see what was wrong with his outfit. I'll post pictures-See for yourself! He was so excited to pick out his present. He chose a $2.00 Lighting McQueen car and couldn't be happier. I'm pretty happy about his choice as well.

And hair....
I'm finally after all this time getting more confident in doing Xia's hair. I'm getting pretty quick and more importantly she seems to enjoy it. For the longest time I relied on Gedese for the hair care. Except Xia would scream until she threw up every time she did her hair. Needless to say I feel pretty darn good that Xia doesn't do this for me:)

Finally reflection.
This time last year, I was spending my days and nights in a hospital room with the twins. I was very sick, tired and scared. So were the twins. I had a pregnant stranger(Gedese) living with us. If it wasn't for my husband's cousin Laura and my husband's sister Leah- Lukas and McKayley's birthday would probably have come and went without a celebration. Gedese would have felt alone and isolated. Laura was amazing and planned everything for them. Leah cared for our children while we were in Africa. She planned an amazing welcome home for us. She showered Gedese and the new twins with love. I will forever be grateful for all they did. I love you Laura! I love you Leah!It's hard to believe it's been a year. God has done amazing things this past year. He has blessed me with a quiver full of children, beautifully supportive friends and family to spend our lives with.

You have all touched and helped me through this year.





Xia's first steps in the hospital. She was 22 months old, weighed 12 pounds and was wearing 3-6 month clothes.

Progress

Our partner Doma International and in country(Uganda) connection has applied for a grant to get Because Every Mother Matters off the ground. They are waiting to hear back-it could be substantial in getting this going. Please pray for favor! Thanks!

We are at 130 members on facebook in two weeks!!!!!

Wait

It's hard to realize you've been so wrong about something that "feels" so right. When you know you heard God speak, but then to end up questioning your motives and if you were actually hearing Him or your own desires.

My eyes are swollen from tears and my throat raspy from crying out. My husband's shoulders are wet from holding me.

After much talk and prayer it has been decided that I am not going to Uganda and Ethiopia this month. It is simply not the right timing. I know and believe with all my heart that I heard God call me to these places-I just tried to force it into my time frame and not God's. I will go, but not now.
I need to first
1. pay for all the Gedese's medical bills. (5k)
2. find people who are going to partner with me for the Uganda sponsorships.
3. invest more quality time with my children.
4. work on strengthening my attachment to the twins.

Psalm 27:14
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Pictures from Gedese

Huge Task-Big God

I'm sorry about being so vague about my upcoming trip. Things have been more than hectic here and also a little intrigue isn't a bad idea either. I really am still in processing mode.
I will be meeting 8 other women In Uganda. None of us really know each other personally and I only know Brandi through our blogs. From the moment I saw her blog almost 2 years ago I knew I wanted to be a part of her vision. We quickly became friends and began throwing ideas at each other. We partnered to create 'Because Every Mother Matters'. This past year she has been involved in more projects than I can remember. She is an inspiration and an encouragement to me. She started talking to me about Uganda months ago. I was too overwhelmed with Gedese, Christiana and her life to really listen to what Brandi was saying. And honestly I believe God only wanted me to focus on Gedese at that time- That was my full time ministry!. But I know a seed was planted. About two weeks after Gedese left I felt God-strongly-tell me to talk to Brandi about Uganda. The moment she started explaining the trip mission I knew without a doubt that I was suppose to go. That was maybe two weeks ago! We leave on the 28th. Talk about a whim. I knew I was suppose to go, but how and exactly why were yet to be answered. The trip was/is geared for a pastor/representative of a church body. Children's Hope Chest has actually created an amazing program and opportunity for churches of all sizes to directly and personally have an impact on an orphans life. Basically the idea is to have a church body come along and individually sponsor children from an orphanage meaning one church one whole orphanage. Ranging anywhere between 50-300+ kids at $34 a month, but it goes beyond just clothing and feeding. They disciple them as well. Someone meets with the kids weekly for bible studies and spiritual mentorship. What is also unique is they encourage the one's sponsoring to actually go to Uganda once a year to meet and pray with their children. As cool as this was, I was not feeling led to this. I kept talking with Brandi and she told me about another opportunity with Children's Hope Chest. It involved children run households and a widows' ministry. Alright! I'm in! As an adoptive momma I really believe in the importance of keeping a child in their home. I can only think about my own family- My oldest is 13, let's say if Adam and I both perished to disease and the only options for our children were to live at home as Jace being the head or in an orphanage- I would choose at home as a family as long as they were safe and their needs could be met of course. What excited me about the widow/child headed household concept was that if it was in the best interest for the children they could stay in their homes with not only the support of people like you, but also with widows from their village who could care for their emotional needs as well. Not to mention they would also benefit from Children's Hope Chest discipleship/mentoring program. Someone would be visiting them on a bi-weekly basis to teach them about God's love. The coolest part is I get to go and actually meet and identfy the children myself this month! So where do you come in? I need to find sponsors for at least 50-100 children in child headed households. The program works the same as a child sponsorship in the fact it's $34 a month, letter exchanges, praying for them and possibly finding a away to travel every 12-18 months to visit them and identify additional needs they or the community may have. I know finding 50-100 individuals to want to travel would be absurd. I also have the disadvantage of not being a church and having that type of community and commitment. But God did give me a vision! A doable one! I see 5 people stepping up to the plate. 5 people who will find and represent 10-20 people to sponsor these children. 5 people who will travel next year to uganda with me to hug, encourage and pray directly with these children. All except me who are traveling this time have the sponsorship figured out, they know how many orphans and even who they may be already accounted for. I am going purely on faith to represent as many orpans as God shows me in hope that I will find the people who will stand up and say boldly, "Count me in, I will care, I will take the plunge, I will walk in faith, I will commit to the least of these"!

Blindly Following

I don't think leaving for Uganda and Ethiopia in a little over 3 weeks has sunk in yet. I'm not a huge planner. That's obvious. However, I did manage to schedule my shots tomorrow. I already survived Typhoid once, I have no desire to go through that again.

So, what exactly am I going to do in Uganda?

Still figuring that one out. The itinerary is planned. Children's Hope Chest and Brandi know what they're doing. But do I? Not really. I do have the vision God gave me and 5 of you are suppose to be a part of it. I just don't know which 5. That's for you to decide. If you're reading this and you feel that 'feeling'- You know the one- That pit in your stomach like you know God is talking to you- Then email/call me.

The funny thing is... If you're being pulled- You don't even need the details. You just know. Ha-I love that about God. I love that about obedience. I just follow- I trust. It's the most amazing feeling in the the world .

Gedese

Gedese called me today. Many blessings came from this year we had together, but they are not without their struggles. She could use a lot of prayer and love during her transition back into Africa life. She is pretty sick and Christiana is having a difficult time adjusting to all the new faces. Gedese said she is crying and screaming when anyone else tries to hold her. Her relationship with Alex is under strain. Please pray for untity in their family.
I pray the Lord opens a door for me to stop by Ethiopia for a few days when I go to Uganda next month.

I'm Needing Adoptive Parents Advice

Last Friday marked the one year mark that I got to hold Diezel and Xia for the first time. Our "Gotcha" day. I want to celebrate. I just don't know how or what to do. Do you treat it like a birthday and have cake/presents? I really need your input/suggestions.

I'm Going to Uganda!

Next month.
More info to follow soon.
Could really use a lot of prayer.

Splash

I'm starting to think with clarity and purpose again. Ideas are swimming around in my mind. I have that feeling-the one you get before you jump into a really cold pool. For the longest time I've been sticking a toe in and trying to get used to the water, but that's not really my style. I like to jump in.
So here I go...
1....2....3 SPLASH!

Inspired Beauty

The sunflower seeks the Sun in the morning, follows it through the day and bows down at night.
A perfect example of how to live everyday.
Inspired Beauty.

Hair Wrapping

I had a lot of fun wrapping the girls hair in Embroidery floss. They loved it. So, do you think I'm too old to do one on myself?

A Happy Family

I had a precious gift waiting for me in my inbox this morning. Pictures from Gedese.

Christiana with her daddy.

Looking so grown up.

Together at last.

Meeting her grandma
or in Amharic her "set I yet".

I Miss Them

Drop and Give Me 20!

This post is not an update on Gedese, my family or anything of real depth. It is simply me sharing something I've implemented in my life the last two weeks. I call it, "Drop and give me 20!" Whenever negativity pops in my mind -which seems to be quite often lately or I have three minutes of non chaos, I make myself do 20 push ups. I know it sounds weird, but hey I am weird:) At first I was only doing push ups, now I'll do 20 crunches, 20 lunges, 20 jumping jacks or whatever else I can think of. Some days I do this 4-5 times a day and some days only once.
And you know what?
I feel amazing. I feel better than I have in a year. It is so easy and doesn't take a lot of time.
So next time you're feeling blue, frustrated, hungry, bored, tired, or cranky, just tell yourself

Drop and give me 20.

Perfect Day.

4 Days and 5 Nights

Until they leave.

Ignorance Truly is Bliss

I have been living in a wonderland bliss where everything seemed clean and orderly. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere my eyes have been magically opened to the state of my house. To my horror and utter astonishment things weren't as they appeared for so long. Science experiments gone wrong, or maybe dinner from last year and expired condiments invaded my refrigerator. Spiders and dead bugs have run out of room in the corners and are taking over all available space. Toys have placed themselves in every drawer and container in the house. As I surveyed the rest of the house I witnessed socks standing on their own, dust camouflaged as furnishings, crumbs trying to blend in not only on my counters but in my bed as well, movies without a home, bills long forgotten, a volcano in my microwave, toilets to gross to explain, my oven with Christmas drippings, diapers trying to find a way to the landfill, and the floors, well....let's not even walk there.

Umm.. So where have I been.

Where and What?

So what's been going on?

Christiana has her passport! Can I hear a hallelujah? Unfortunately we are having issues with the prepaid round trip ticket from last year. After hours on the phone, a two hour trip to the airport and many tears, we may have to buy a whole new ticket. I'm trying not to get too worked up and pray that God works it all out. Worst case scenario I have to come up with $1500 for a new ticket. God willing they will be traveling home next Wed. This is a bittersweet moment for my family. We are praising God that:
They are alive! If Gedese had stayed in Africa, Alex would be in mourning.
They will be reunited as a family. I wish I could be there to see the beautiful reunion they will have.

I'm also asking for strength to say, "goodbye" to my sister, my best friend Gedese. I cannot even begin to explain feelings I have for Christiana. I felt her first kicks and was there for her birth. I was the first to hold her and see her first smile.

I haven't blogged for awhile-So where have I been?
For Valentines day my hubby sent me on a 40 hour getaway. It all started with a party that we attended together in St. Louis for Evander Holyfield.(I didn't know but he's a 4 time world boxing champ)
Then the following morning I flew to Phoenix by myself. My best friend from High School picked me up in the cutest Little Cooper car. It was perfect. We hiked Camelback Mountain, where I thought I might meet my maker. Then Natasha treated me to Sanctuary Spa. It was more blissful than I could have imagined. The next morning we had a lovely breakfast and went to the art museum and watched 1000 journals. The night was topped off by meeting two amazing blog friends, Kim and Jen. We laughed until it hurt. I thank my God for the time for fellowship and renewal. I learned so much and came home with a fresh perspective.
Thank you my love! Adam you rock!
Here are some pictures. Natasha has the rest.

Working

I know God is working. I can feel Him working. I Just am impatient to see how He does it.

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

My Knight

After 16 years my husband still sweeps me off my feet. He is my knight.

Flashback Friday

I have the kind of past that sometimes it's better not to look back, but it shouldn't be ignored either. In my attempt to move forward from my past a few years back I went into a self made bubble and hid out for awhile. I gave little thought to most of the people left behind. Then there were other people that I have thought about often. The ones that left a huge footprint on my heart.

After Adam and I moved to Los Angeles we ended up in a little shack in Venice Beach. We kept blowing through roommates. They were either Adam's family or friends. After our 3rd roommate lost, I took over the task of finding a new one. I posted an ad at Santa Monica college where I was studying. It was written in all different colors of crayon. A guy named John answered the ad. He was kind of a quiet fellow with a warped sense of humor-He was perfect. I loved him. Soon after or right around the same time I met him, I met Candice. I was in my child development class and I was drawn to this girl next me. She had a crazy accent and talked about needing a "lou". After she told me she was from Africa I followed her out of class and pounded her with questions about Africa. (yes, even back then 16 years ago-I was nuts about Africa) The three of us quickly became inseparable. Where was Adam? Even back then he was always working or rehearsing with his band. John, Candice and I had some grand adventures. It seems John was always rescuing Candice and I from something. They were always there for me. When Adam and I had our second wedding(first public wedding) John was my best man and Candice was my best woman. When I was in labor with Jace they were both in the room with me for 24 hours. John videotaped while Candice directed him what the camera needed to be pointed at. She would say in her beautiful accent, "John the baby is not coming out her face, you need to put the camera down there". After Jace was born the three of us drifted apart. Candice went through some extremely difficult times and John kept walking down the path of life. I never forgot about them.
Thanks to facebook, this week I got to talk to Candice after 13 years. She shared with me the journey she took. Words cannot begin to express how incredible I think she is for the decisions she has made. I will always love this woman with everything I have. I also found John through facebook this week. I have yet to speak with him on the phone, but I delighted to know he is doing well.
I was extremely nervous to put myself on Facebook in the beginning. I probably will still never use my maiden name for reasons I may share in the future, but for now I'm rejoicing in the reunions I have had.

Candice and myself before Adam took me to my first opera.

Hanging out in the delivery room.

I loved photography. John and Candice were always letting me dress them up and take pictures. The weird sponge head was named Fred the Head.

After the huge earthquake in Ca. Candice and I joined AmeriCorp we worked with kids in the valley who had a traumatic experience during the quake.

John in our apartment in Venice Beach. The white face in the corner is a plaster cast of my face that Adam made. The painting of the face to the left was something I did. That was my dog Bear. He was awesome, he was my great defender and also my transportation. I would stand on my skateboard and he would pull me wherever I wanted to go.

Concept

My friend April created this to help Brandi and I with the vision we have for Because Every Mother Matters. Can you tell it's a pregnant woman with the earth representing the womb and the continent of Africa as being our focus? The more I look at the picture, the more I'm drawn to it's metaphoric beauty. What do you think?

Thank you April! my cool fairy maker friend!

Pacing Back and Forth

Lukas is on his way to the emergency room. He ran into the corner of our kitchen counter. It swelled instantly to the size of a golf ball with a puncture wound in the middle right above his temple. Now I wait.

My Boy

Can eat five pieces of pizza!

Every Single Day.

I think Gedese is extremely excited about going home. Her bags have been packed for weeks!
10 months without her husband and family! Sometimes I forget her home is in Ethiopia. She has become a member of our family and I think of our home as hers. This makes it easy to lose perspective sometimes. The emotions I feel are new and very conflicting. Maybe one day I'll be able to fully grasp and put words to everything I have experienced this year. Last week was a hard week filled with unsettling feelings(doesn't help I get my period every 2-3 weeks now). I was so blessed to be able to call upon a few of my closest friends to help sort things out in my mind and spirit.
We are waiting for an original document from Ethiopia signed by Alex giving his permission for Christiana to apply for a passport to come in the next few days. Once we have this paper hopefully Christiana will get her passport and they will be set to travel in a few weeks. When they were set to leave in March, the plan was for me to fly back with them to help and at the same time lay in some ground work for our organization. Well, now that they are leaving a lot sooner, I will be unable to travel back with them. There is a slight chance Gedese will be stopped at immigration and detained due to her expired Visa. After talking to our attorney I have the whole shebang documented and written down for her to carry with her when she travels. Hopefully if she encounters any problems they can be solved quickly. I'm debating if I should at least fly to the Dulles airport with them.

Christiana continues to grow cuter every single day. We continue to fall deeper in love with her and Gedese every single day. The twins continue to amaze me every single day. Xia is letting go more and more every single day. Every single day is a new adventure in our house. I'm learning to embrace every moment for what it is. A moment and a gift.